This is where I lose

He sits on top of the world...
A shining piece of glory,
people swarm around him,
heavens shower blessings.
Crimson envy watches from
the sidelines.
He is his own design.

A man of honour,
beauty shames to place itself
beside him. Precious diamond,
he shines...
He is his own design.

An example to millions,
a wonder to all,
a better idol was never born.
Magic shimmers through his being;
the angel from heaven that everyone's
seeing.

His silver pendant hides a quiet secret:
The key to another beating heart.
It tells a story from the start, of tears,
sighs and two smitten larks, of quiet meetings
in the dark, of love struck down by
fate's darts.

The shimmers hide the inner dark,
the glory veils the broken heart.
The laughter lines hide embedded
frowns, the scars concealed with
countless crowns.

Awestruck sighs pave his path...
he shines.
A man of unique design.
"You win it all!", A voice calls.
His heart groans in mourning
for a love gone to the noose:
"No, my man, you know it not,
this is where I lose."
-Angel

Phoenix ashes

"Every small gust of wind only heightened the cool feel of tears streaming down her cheeks. Her hair danced wildly around her face. The wind whistled and howled; determined to drown down her sobs. She did not fight. Her skinny frame just stood there submissively, swaying gently in the brewing storm, inviting the winds to take her with it…

All the energy in her body seemed to concentrate on the one small handkerchief that her fingers clutched tightly. Yet it seemed her very soul repelled the fact that she be holding on to that spotless white cloth so dearly…like she had breached a forbidden territory.

She stared down from the edge of the cliff where she stood. Depth plummeted down to a vast emptiness below her…spreading like a sea of black nothingness. She felt strangely cocooned as she stared down at the space below. The feeling of being so minute comforted her inner turmoil. Hers was just another sorrow in this enormous existence. She was just another wretched soul. The insignificance diminished the magnitude of her hurt ego…

Her skirt flapped wildly around her legs while the empty black sea below her tempted her viciously. If she would just embrace it…the nothingness would gulp down yet another pain and like a sea, remain the same as before. It was incredible how darkly luring it was to never feel again…

She edged closer to take a better look…persuading her entire being to step into a trance which would ease the trembling. She allowed the tears to blur the darkness spread out before her and turning it into a confused haze of cloudy, murky and quivering mass…
She let the bag hanging down her shoulder fall to the ground. Her feet slipped out of her shoes and embedded themselves in the cool sand swarming her toes.

Her sobs returned with fresh gusto; reverberating in the noisy wind…making known the agony of her heart. She stretched out her arms in front of her, trying to take support of an invisible wall around her. She found none. There was nothing present there to hold up her shaking knees…except her own feet. As if a jolt shot down her spine she shuddred and for a second, hesitated. The comfort of the void below her seemed to grow faint. Yet she closed her eyes determinedly dragging her toes to the end of the edge where no further ground reassured her. This was the end.

Her arms still stretched out before her and by now she was crying openly…hoarsely; shuddering with the effort of her sobs. Her eyes remained tightly shut and she clutched the handkerchief tighter. Debris on the edge rolled down from her feet. Her face contorted in deep agony. Images flashed past in her mind fumbling to hold ground...but it was like swift slides coming and going...befuddling her sense of thought. The wind had gained momentum and seemed to push her further and further. Just one set further and she would find her peace. Her definition of 'peace' disturbed her and she struggled to ignore it. The conflict slowly wore out her resolve and she let out a low, deep moan. The images vanished. Her body tensed and then relaxed. She jerked her eyes open and with one swift motion threw the handkerchief into the wind.

It flew haphazardly in the fierce winds like a wounded bird being tossed helplessly. She watched it with a strange detachment...as if she never owned it. Her body remained still as it acknowledged the warmth steeling through it among the cold, wild currents of the air. Then with another gust of wind it shot off forward and merged into the descended grey clouds.

Staring one last time at the darkness below her, she unconsciously rejected its illusionary comfort and reflexively ground her feet firmly in the earth. The uninviting darkness below her repulsed her immediately. Staring down at it one last time in cool disdain she turned around, picked up her bag, slipped into her shoes and walked away."
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The mythological bird, phoenix, is said to take rebirth from its ashes. Symbolically, the bird stands for resurrection or rebirth. I relate it to coming back from devastation. It could be death or coming out of an intense crisis. The above piece that I wrote represents a phoenix taking rebirth from its own devastation, the ashes. Similarly the girl lets go of the handkerchief, which is symbolic of what her troubles are, to start afresh. She comes out of her depression which has caused her to go to the extent of suicide but in the end realises that this option is an illusionary comfort and not worth giving your life away for. Thus she emerges from a major crisis. The phoenix ashes stand for courage and that is exactly why I named this short story so. In the end there is no one to support your "shaking knees" than your "own feet". Its your life. Its your fight. Its your problem. You either win or you lose.

Of breathtaking revelations and rapture...

There is something very pure about devotion. Complete submission...total surrender. Gurbani holds the unmistakable essence of humility...of what should really be considered true love. We glorify love too much. We magnify the simplicity...we complicate it with vows and thus in turn put limitations to the free feeling of love. Love should liberate us, not turn us into slaves of meaningless commitment. Love, in reality, should nourish you. It should teach you virtues of patience, kindness, selflessness and of course as said before humility. When there is true love there is no plural but singular. Individuality fuses to become one strong form of perfection...since both the individuals merge together with the best of their qualities. It is highly hypothetical but that doesnt mean its not correct. Love is perfection. That is why God is synonymous to love. Since God is perfection. If one wishes to come close to that perfection i believe one should learn to love...and that too, to love with total surrender. I was amazed to learn that each word in The Granth is engraved with humility. There is such complete submission that it touches something inside you. You begin to wonder if it can be possible or whether it is something supernatural.

There is no 'I'. No ego. You can only sit back in awe and tears in your eyes. If such a thing can exist...surely this world must be a beautiful blessed place and this law or force of nature or god must really be something worthy of respect. This is immortalised happiness. I guess today I have somewhat understood what it must mean to attain salvation. Contrary to what I have always believed, there really is a 'higher joy'.

Yet now i understand that this 'higher joy' doesnt come from hours of meditation but with the fact that you work your ass off to do justice to your own potential. That you explore youself inside out and lie down in ur bed at the end of the day knowing that you did this world loads of good by doing good to youself. Finding God is not being selfless. It is infact selfish. Since it is for you. For your happiness. So in being thoroughly selfish for your complete growth as an individual i think you end up doing something for everybody. You end up being a great contributor through your very selfishness. So in a way...true selfishness is also a great virtue. And whats best...you grow closer to God. Through your faith in yourself...through your journey of self exploration you realise there is no limit to what you can achieve and i think this is exactly what humbles you. You actually realise how limitless you are. I think this is where enlightenment occurs. True ecstasy. This is God.