This bug in my head...

Was just wondering if its ever possible to find sumone who never leaves? I gess in the end all u r left with is urself. all for themselves. A human being is born to be lonely then. In reality he never has company. Maybe he is just too scared to accept the fact. or maybe because its just too hard to stay alone.

of all the promises people give each other i think it is one of the biggest lies wen they say they'll be there always. and then the phrase... 'no matter what'. promises should never be made. i dont understand how people can speak with such conviction when they don't know their next second. how can they be selfish enough to raise someone's expectations when they are not in control of their own life?
I think it is one of the biggest challenges of life to learn to live with yourself. Dunno why people find it so unbearable to live with themselves at times. Even when it is ourselves that we love the most in the end...but still. Dont have the answer to this question somehow. Dont know how to justify this to myself.

Perspective

How much can a person endure? Is life really all about enduring? Of taking shit and just keep taking it until you attain 'nirvana'?

I gess salvation is a kinder word given to 'good riddance'. Life itself is a huge pack of situations you have to deal with. Situations that you have to endure. And the stupid part is no one comes out alive. We try so hard...for what? For fulfilling a purpose which can easily be compared to a dream. A dream thats way too much like reality. I Wonder what's reality then? Is it...endurance?
I think birth and death are the easiest parts of life. Dunno...tell that to the people who die horriblw, slow deaths. Hmm...I'll take that back then. I gess birth is the easiest bit then. Maybe because we don't remember if it hurt when we were born. It ust have. I find no sense in a child bawling otherwise. So...voila. From birth to death, nothings easy. So then life's a pretty tough piece of shit ain't it?

All these words like 'hope', 'faith', 'joy' seem like some kind of medical kit each of us carries throughout our lives. Like first aids. So we can keep bandaging ourselves with them whenever it hurts. Its pretty funny in a way if you look at it. Humans have such amazing ways to fool themselves, its commendable. We have an all protecting saviour (God) to take us out of complicated problems that mostly are a result of our own stupidity. Then we have 'hope', 'trust', 'courage', 'faith'...the tool kits to help us trudge through life.

Its quite amazing. I don't know about God but a human in itself is a pretty smart bit of genius walking the earth. It has quite commendable ways of tricking itself into illusions. Like ways to survive a terribly rough patch. It is human nature to glorify, to exaggerate. I don't know if we actually have it in us to face the simplicity, the 'normalness' of life. To actually see the truth. It is inherent in us to complicate, to create so called 'values', 'cultures', 'taboos'. We live in these cocoons beyond which we dare not look. For if they break...they will break us too. Infact, I don't think these cocoons ever break. They are wound up so tight. Not until the last breath, they don't. And so we carry on...trugding...Humans have this admirable tendency to keep on going. Thumbs up to us for that.

A few more....

These are some of my favourite quotes from the wisdom section


Sometimes the more you think, the more there is no real answer.
Winnie the Pooh

If there's one thing you can say about mankind, there's nothing kind about man.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.
Stephen King

I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death.

There is an art of listening. To be able really to listen, one should abandon or put aside all prejudices, preformulations and daily activities . . . But unfortunately most of us listen through a screen of resistance. We are screened with prejudices, whether religious or spiritual, psychological or scientific; or with our daily worries, desires and fears. And with these for a screen, we listen. Therefore, we listen really to our own noise, our own sound, not to what is being said. It is extremely difficult to put aside our training, our prejudices, our inclination, our resistance, and, reaching beyond the verbal expression, to listen so that we understand instantaneously.
J. Krishnamurti, The First and Last Freedom

We never realize the power of a single human being until one comes along and conquers our heart
Unknown

"People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
Albert Einstein---------cool

Everyone sees what you seem, but few know what you are.
Machiavelli

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within, it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Nelson Mandela-------cool

"What's wrong with thinking?""There's nothing wrong with thinking," Spitty began. "So long as you don't think too much. See, that's your problem, Stein. You dwell. It's not healthy. Sometimes you just gotta let things go, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop trying to figure out the why and the how and the what does it all mean. Because we all die in the end anyway. Some people stick their heads in the oven. Other people just kneel over in the middle of dinner. But no one gets out alive. And that's the sorry truth. And that's why you gotta enjoy yourself now. Because that's all you basically get in life - a few superior kegs, a few worthwhile hangovers, a few nights when other crap fades into the background and it's just you and the moment and the moment is righteous."
What She Saw by Lucinda Rosenfeld

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Mark Twain-----cool

Man is a God in ruins.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

A smile while giving honest criticism can make the difference between resentment and reform. Philip Steinmetz

My favourites

Just adore these quotes.

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that? ------- the pursuit of happyness


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-----eternal sunshine of the spotless mind



have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free. ---- the shawshank redemption


I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. ---- the shawshank redemption



My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." ---- forrest gump


I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both. ---- forrest gump

In Love...

Back aching, im all dizzy, haven't eaten anything, want another few hours of sleep, havent had time for myself in days...but yet all I knoe is I'm in love.

All these hours of no sleep count for nothing...all the cribbing, the frustration, the work load...they count for absolutely nothing. When I'm standing in front of a piece of art I've made, I know I'm in love. In love with myself. In love with my life. In love with the decisions I took and finally what I got from it.

Its not exactly roses...but the satisfaction...the selfpeace. It beats everything. This ecstasy is maddening. As I write this I'm asting precious minutes of work but it doesn't matter. This bout of emotions need to be recorded. This moment of happiness is an event worth remembering later. I'm in love.

The irony is I could rite now either die under the pressure of this work load or could just die with the happiness of knowing that I'm doin what Ilike. NIFT is intoxicating. It leaves you free to be what you want to be. It feels like home. You can let your imagination run wild..and the better you get with it the better its appreciated. I experiment so much with myself...exploring has become a passion. The library has become my refuge. Everything else stands meaningless now. I now live for me. And I love every single minute of it....hopefully we have a happy marriage together.

This is where I lose

He sits on top of the world...
A shining piece of glory,
people swarm around him,
heavens shower blessings.
Crimson envy watches from
the sidelines.
He is his own design.

A man of honour,
beauty shames to place itself
beside him. Precious diamond,
he shines...
He is his own design.

An example to millions,
a wonder to all,
a better idol was never born.
Magic shimmers through his being;
the angel from heaven that everyone's
seeing.

His silver pendant hides a quiet secret:
The key to another beating heart.
It tells a story from the start, of tears,
sighs and two smitten larks, of quiet meetings
in the dark, of love struck down by
fate's darts.

The shimmers hide the inner dark,
the glory veils the broken heart.
The laughter lines hide embedded
frowns, the scars concealed with
countless crowns.

Awestruck sighs pave his path...
he shines.
A man of unique design.
"You win it all!", A voice calls.
His heart groans in mourning
for a love gone to the noose:
"No, my man, you know it not,
this is where I lose."
-Angel

Phoenix ashes

"Every small gust of wind only heightened the cool feel of tears streaming down her cheeks. Her hair danced wildly around her face. The wind whistled and howled; determined to drown down her sobs. She did not fight. Her skinny frame just stood there submissively, swaying gently in the brewing storm, inviting the winds to take her with it…

All the energy in her body seemed to concentrate on the one small handkerchief that her fingers clutched tightly. Yet it seemed her very soul repelled the fact that she be holding on to that spotless white cloth so dearly…like she had breached a forbidden territory.

She stared down from the edge of the cliff where she stood. Depth plummeted down to a vast emptiness below her…spreading like a sea of black nothingness. She felt strangely cocooned as she stared down at the space below. The feeling of being so minute comforted her inner turmoil. Hers was just another sorrow in this enormous existence. She was just another wretched soul. The insignificance diminished the magnitude of her hurt ego…

Her skirt flapped wildly around her legs while the empty black sea below her tempted her viciously. If she would just embrace it…the nothingness would gulp down yet another pain and like a sea, remain the same as before. It was incredible how darkly luring it was to never feel again…

She edged closer to take a better look…persuading her entire being to step into a trance which would ease the trembling. She allowed the tears to blur the darkness spread out before her and turning it into a confused haze of cloudy, murky and quivering mass…
She let the bag hanging down her shoulder fall to the ground. Her feet slipped out of her shoes and embedded themselves in the cool sand swarming her toes.

Her sobs returned with fresh gusto; reverberating in the noisy wind…making known the agony of her heart. She stretched out her arms in front of her, trying to take support of an invisible wall around her. She found none. There was nothing present there to hold up her shaking knees…except her own feet. As if a jolt shot down her spine she shuddred and for a second, hesitated. The comfort of the void below her seemed to grow faint. Yet she closed her eyes determinedly dragging her toes to the end of the edge where no further ground reassured her. This was the end.

Her arms still stretched out before her and by now she was crying openly…hoarsely; shuddering with the effort of her sobs. Her eyes remained tightly shut and she clutched the handkerchief tighter. Debris on the edge rolled down from her feet. Her face contorted in deep agony. Images flashed past in her mind fumbling to hold ground...but it was like swift slides coming and going...befuddling her sense of thought. The wind had gained momentum and seemed to push her further and further. Just one set further and she would find her peace. Her definition of 'peace' disturbed her and she struggled to ignore it. The conflict slowly wore out her resolve and she let out a low, deep moan. The images vanished. Her body tensed and then relaxed. She jerked her eyes open and with one swift motion threw the handkerchief into the wind.

It flew haphazardly in the fierce winds like a wounded bird being tossed helplessly. She watched it with a strange detachment...as if she never owned it. Her body remained still as it acknowledged the warmth steeling through it among the cold, wild currents of the air. Then with another gust of wind it shot off forward and merged into the descended grey clouds.

Staring one last time at the darkness below her, she unconsciously rejected its illusionary comfort and reflexively ground her feet firmly in the earth. The uninviting darkness below her repulsed her immediately. Staring down at it one last time in cool disdain she turned around, picked up her bag, slipped into her shoes and walked away."
-------------------

The mythological bird, phoenix, is said to take rebirth from its ashes. Symbolically, the bird stands for resurrection or rebirth. I relate it to coming back from devastation. It could be death or coming out of an intense crisis. The above piece that I wrote represents a phoenix taking rebirth from its own devastation, the ashes. Similarly the girl lets go of the handkerchief, which is symbolic of what her troubles are, to start afresh. She comes out of her depression which has caused her to go to the extent of suicide but in the end realises that this option is an illusionary comfort and not worth giving your life away for. Thus she emerges from a major crisis. The phoenix ashes stand for courage and that is exactly why I named this short story so. In the end there is no one to support your "shaking knees" than your "own feet". Its your life. Its your fight. Its your problem. You either win or you lose.

Of breathtaking revelations and rapture...

There is something very pure about devotion. Complete submission...total surrender. Gurbani holds the unmistakable essence of humility...of what should really be considered true love. We glorify love too much. We magnify the simplicity...we complicate it with vows and thus in turn put limitations to the free feeling of love. Love should liberate us, not turn us into slaves of meaningless commitment. Love, in reality, should nourish you. It should teach you virtues of patience, kindness, selflessness and of course as said before humility. When there is true love there is no plural but singular. Individuality fuses to become one strong form of perfection...since both the individuals merge together with the best of their qualities. It is highly hypothetical but that doesnt mean its not correct. Love is perfection. That is why God is synonymous to love. Since God is perfection. If one wishes to come close to that perfection i believe one should learn to love...and that too, to love with total surrender. I was amazed to learn that each word in The Granth is engraved with humility. There is such complete submission that it touches something inside you. You begin to wonder if it can be possible or whether it is something supernatural.

There is no 'I'. No ego. You can only sit back in awe and tears in your eyes. If such a thing can exist...surely this world must be a beautiful blessed place and this law or force of nature or god must really be something worthy of respect. This is immortalised happiness. I guess today I have somewhat understood what it must mean to attain salvation. Contrary to what I have always believed, there really is a 'higher joy'.

Yet now i understand that this 'higher joy' doesnt come from hours of meditation but with the fact that you work your ass off to do justice to your own potential. That you explore youself inside out and lie down in ur bed at the end of the day knowing that you did this world loads of good by doing good to youself. Finding God is not being selfless. It is infact selfish. Since it is for you. For your happiness. So in being thoroughly selfish for your complete growth as an individual i think you end up doing something for everybody. You end up being a great contributor through your very selfishness. So in a way...true selfishness is also a great virtue. And whats best...you grow closer to God. Through your faith in yourself...through your journey of self exploration you realise there is no limit to what you can achieve and i think this is exactly what humbles you. You actually realise how limitless you are. I think this is where enlightenment occurs. True ecstasy. This is God.

Inspiration from 'The Fountain Head'

Its a wonderful way to think this way. Having never to worry about anything but yourself. Being indifferent to the world around you. Their thoughts dont affect you...they are like rays striking against glass; reflecting back as soon as they dare to touch you with their heat. So that you become like a granite, solid and strong, who lives only for themself. How great it would be...never having to sacrifice anything for anyone. Never having to live with illusions that you killed your desires for the sake of some "higher happiness". That you killed your soul with selflessness. How great it would be to hold up your ideals...your integrity in the face of a hypocritical world and cast your undaunting resolve in its teeth. How great it would be to have courage like that. How great it would be to be Howard Roark.

Quiet freedom

I just sometimes wonder...if a few minutes from now, my life comes to an end. Would i have regrets? Do I still have something that i want to do? The very thought of dying would scare me to death normally...not that am afraid of the very act of death...its secondary to the fear of not being able to live. I love being me. Though am not perfect. But still there is this innate desire to go further and further on. Anyway, as i was saying...would I still have any regrets? Any work left undone? No. For the first time in my life.....am pretty calm about it. It seems very stupid somehow...m sounding like some saint.

I guess the only remorse im going to have is not being able to live more and not actually getting to study in NIFT delhi..hehe. But if it would come to things being left undone...I can find nothing major as such. Its pretty weird...and depressingly aimless. Yet. It is also calming. There is this strange peace which steals through me everytime I think of this question nowadays. It reassures me, comforts me...you've done all you could have. You gave it your best...you got the results. You lived fully and now you don't have regrets. Frankly, its intoxicating. This pure primal power that you hold over fear is a glimpse of a refreshing freedom. And then you live. You live with a comfortable numbness. Steadiness. It polishes you through and through. Smoothens out the rough edges, gives an unconscious grace to the way you carry yourself and the way you go through your days. Its an unconscious dignity and new confidence. There is a renewed will to live better still. To enjoy what we have and to be grateful for it.

And I love it. Every minute of it. Being aimless was never more appealing... :)

The Shawshank Redemption

Andy Dufresne: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?

Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.

Andy Dufresne: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.

Red: Forget?

Andy Dufresne: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.

Red: What're you talking about?

Andy Dufresne: Hope.

Quoting 'Juno'

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are...good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, hansome, what have you, the right person is still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. Thats the kind of person worth sticking with."--------well said, junebugs dad.

thought

Its how u feel...its how you cum back from the feelings of devastaion. its a rebirth. but rebirths can be so painful, its hard to take in. there is hurt beyond words, and secrets that only you can know. who can u tell? when u feel that everybody is just ready with a judgement...an opinion? no one to listen. thats how it goes. and thats how it hurts too much. its a constant struggle to keep urself sane. to live. depite wat people think. it doesnt matter if it is not politically correct. its just that u shud have no regrets. be scared of the one day in ur life wen u wake up old and withered...wondering...crying silents tears as every breath u take comes with agonising effort...how wud life hav been if i had just lived it my way? if i had just been me...?

do not be scared of following ur self. sacrifices r noble...but everything comes with disadvantages. being reasonable has its perils too. there is no one way of living life...the one single written path of walking down the same old politically correct trail.

"walk on walk on....with hope in ur heart. and ul never walk alone."

believe in urself and love like uv never been hurt. work hard, love much. create new dimensions to ur life. widen perspectives. there is more to love than one can imagine. more aspects to it than one can fathom. i do not know how much selfish i was...how many hearts i hurt. but in me there r secrets to an unknown ecstasy. the knowledge that for once in my life...i had the courage to be me.