I can't think of no title!! I want to sleep!

7:15 AM---*groggy, irritated...and a wee bit hungry*

LOCATION--- living room couch...a blanket tucked around my waist.

Imagine the heights. I have vacations and I have slept so much...too too much...that my body refuses to sleep anymore. And I keep wondering...what the hell am I doing with my life?

Here I am, finally having pushed off the blanket after an utterly pathetic 2 hours of trying to doze off. I have revisited my past boyfriends, present crushes, future hopes...analyzed them together and apart, compared them and ended up feeling guilty for it. Missed them, hated them and loved them all in these two hours...no, now THREE hours of ‘trying to sleep’.

God help the pathetic me.

Now I sit back here, on my couch and I finally find a pen from the heap of clutter that is my bedside table, and try to write something. Anything. Anything to ward off this non-sleepy nightmare. Thank God for blogs. Or is there some like the prodigious ‘Yahoo’ guy I must end up worshipping? I’ve got to check that up in my infinite spare time.

You know what’s making me feel worse? I can actually hear ‘humans’ outside waking up from their perfectly normal routines of sleeping AT night and waking up in the morning. Maybe they are up for a morning stroll. You’d say...I could try going out there too. Could I not? Alas, my friends, I have not been gifted with an active enthusiasm for life. I prefer to sit back and waste away gloriously.

I’m actually dreading the point where the household wakes up and sees me up so early. My mum might just adore me for a few minutes until she realises I haven’t slept at all. Her momentary joyous fantasy of getting to see me up early will wither away into a nasty hysteria of ‘I told you so’. No offence, mum. (I hate to admit it.. But the woman is always right!)

I’m particularly missing that sleep inducing tea mum was eyeing that day at the super mart. I also remember painfully how I scoffed and dragged her away from it. “Why would anyone have tea to sleep?!  It’s all a pile of rubbish!”

I could try a pile of rubbish right now...

At least I’ll be doing something normal; (obviously if we omit the necessary details) I would actually be drinking TEA AT 7:15 am in the morning. J

Dear God, how badly am I in need of a normal routine? I think I should get back to criticizing the boyfriends... that is far less depressing. ;D

Angel.

"I miss me"

Been so long since i wrote something. I miss writing. Sometimes its not the right time or the right moment, while sometimes its like a flash of thought running thru ur head...but it doesnt measure up enough. Its as if life is running too fast. Much too fast.

There are times when I want to write. Just for the heck of it. Anything. Hell I might just start copying a document in microsoft word. It been so long since I've sat alone and had a talk with myself. Had thought about anything more than what I was going to do next. Or worried about my marks last semester (yea, well i didnt score well this time)...and then move on to worry about the next semester.

I'm personally pretty nervous about next semester though. Fashion Design still doesnt seem to be my calling. Sewing scares the shit out of me. Dunno what's happening. Its like uncertainty just never ends. Its frustrating. Maybe its just cold feet.

But then...a few days back. This strange thing happened. I was sitting in the train, by the window, (believe me, window seats are the best places to think) and a far away memory came and hugged me. It was warm, faintly familiar...and long forgotten. Memory is a villain. It drifts the best of things away from you. And then suddenly one day it walks back in like it never left. Tangible enough to feel...strong enough to live it all over again.

Its been just a year...but he seemed really far away. I don't know why I'm writing this moment down. Its something I should've ignored and not recorded like this. Coz when you write you immortalise experiences. This is something memory can't take away. Writing is our only refuge against time.

And that day he visited me again. It was like old days again. The laughter, the hugs, all that love... I could picture his face so clearly as if i'd met him yesterday. Even that silly smile too! That pasted itself on his face everytime he thought he was being funny. hehe.

The real world blurred for a while and I was reliving forgotten days and feeling all those buried emotions again. He took a huge chunk of me away with him. But I reunited with it again that day. And suddenly I missed feeling like that. I missed who I was back then. After so many months I actually missed loving someone like that.

Whenever a relationship ends...the sorrow isnt as much of the end of what wasnt meant to be anway but of losing something inside you when it ends. That innocence, arrogant ignorance, that undaunting trust, that fervent energy contrasting to the cautious, reserved nature of an experienced soul.

No matter how heart breaking it was a few months ago to leave him, yet today when I relive those memories..I don't miss him. I miss me. I miss who I was. I do laugh at the ignorant idiot that I was...but I do miss that ignorance. Its like the old pining for their youth.

It gives us a lesson to learn. Why don't we open ourselves to the possibility of being 'young' again? Love is surely something that requires no experience, no age...it is a feeling that can only be felt when we let go of our pasts and surrender. When we are just like the 8 year old who loves the girl that sits in front of him in class because she has such pretty pigtails. We can only love if we're young at heart. Like they say..."Love like you've never been hurt..."

Heal. Move on. Surrender.

That is the only meaning of life. To find the courage to love. To understand that love gives you hope...and hope is the only thing that keeps you going.

I Am

I am the one you hate... you love.

 I am not politically correct.

I AM.

I am the green you don’t want...but u need it anyway.

I am the freak who’s heady... who’s  arrogant.

The orange you despise but I intrigue you anyway.

 The pink that chokes you but catches your eye.

The yellow that blinds you but warms your soul.

I am the one you hate. But you want me anyway.

I am the rainbow in your hidden dreams.

The golden pot that you can’t reach.

Are you afraid?

I think so.

Why else would you hate me?

Do you want me?

I think so.

Why else would you notice me?

I am the bird in your dreams.

Who sores higher beyond your reach.

I remind you of your infiniteness...

Of how great can you be.

Yet I scare you still.

I know.

That is why you need me.

A walk to remember

I don’t quite remember exactly how it started but I do have a vague idea. I’ll try; Dad was diagnosed with diabetes but at a very initial stage. So in order to control his blood sugar he began a daily ritual to go for walks.

Though he tried different routes he majorly went to a neighbourhood park adjoining an orphanage for girls. The house was attached to the park as if it was its very own lawn. I’d accompany him most of the time since I’d have nothing much to do than watch more and more TV (Yea, there was once a blessed time when all worries seem to end at homework). I do remember getting a little envious whenever I’d see them playing around together all evening. It’s quite ironical somehow since now that I think of it; I was after all having a walk with my own father...it never occurred to me that they might just have reasons to envy me.

Anyway, thus began my habit of always accompanying him for his evening walks. Well, most of the time. I do remember I missed quite a few of them. Dad might never have realised it...but I think they are the only times I actually remember having bonded with him. Infact they were more than just father-daughter quality time...they somehow shaped me into becoming a loner at heart. They are the reason why today I love going for walks. Preferably alone. I’m not a regular but they are my only refuge. And somehow I always remember dad when I’m out for a walk. They sort of connect me to him.

It’s pretty sentimental. Hehe.

Even when I’m in delhi...after a bad day or neck breaking stress I just drag a friend along and go out for a stroll. (Haven’t yet been able to gather up the courage to go for a walk alone in delhi till now. Its just freaky...you know the hype about unsafe metro cities)In fact, going for a nice, long walk with your dear is the idea of a perfect date for me! Hehehe. Candlelight dinners are just too cliché. People talk about busting stress and doing this and that...I wonder...what is better than a walk? What is better than just being yourself for a while? Its like having a heart to heart chat with yourself. ..or maybe a picnic for that matter.

Parks have always been my favourite haunts. My friends think that’s highly boring so I’m left alone to hang out there (don’t really mind though). But no matter what...that park near the orphanage is always going to remain my favourite one even though it’s nothing much to look at. Just a huge stretch of grass, maintained sloppily and a family of sleeping dogs scattered here and there. It gave me a lot of ideas for my design classes though. So I’m kinda indebted. I still remember using the image of a mumma dog and her puppies fighting for some milk for a population control poster! Sir really liked the idea.

Nature just somehow steadies me. It’s like sweet music stealing through your body warming you a bit over here and a bit there... Not a believer of astrology but the earth is the element of a virgo. I’m a virgo. Maybe there’s a connection. But I like water too you know. Swimming is one of my favourite activities. So can’t say.

I went for a walk alone after so long today. Kept hanging around for two hours with earphones jammed into my ears, an overcoat warming me and a book stuffed in the pocket. I just kept going round and round, skipping a bit in between, singing under my breath and I tell you I was lost. Heart and soul. People must’ve thought I was crazy. But the overcoat is pretty good to look at...it might have signalled at my civilized origin, so I think it saved my repo. I got inspired by a few more things to use in the next semester of college. It’s just so amazing how much natures gives back to you if one only pays a little more attention. It’s a freaky world out there I tell you. Nature is crazy. But it’s the most beautiful crazy thing you will ever come across.

Anyone who reads this entry; I personally insist that you should try going for a walk sometimes if you don’t already, that is. I’m not saying it because I have personal memories involved...it’s just too good an experience to miss.I’ll see if I’ll go back to that park anytime soon...haven’t gone back there since we moved. Lets see.

Angel.