Courage

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."-------- 'To Kill A Mocking Bird' by Harper Lee


A tremendous quotation that i found few days back. Dunno why but I'm highly impressed with it. Very much caught up in the meaning and profoundity of the statement. Its this sort of courage that i really admire in people. A certain sort of abashment. Ruthlessness. Not too much but i like it in small amounts. Its kinda attractive and its a great indicator of somebody's passion for something. I mean you always get ruthless when you're desperate to attain or protect something. There is a hint of ferocity which might even be harmful to others who come in the way and people might even call it crazy to like someone as dangerous as that but dunno its this strange sort of fascination. Maybe becoz never in my life have i ever had a passion for something. Its one of my major weaknesses you can say. The only thing i can count as coming close to my passion is drawing. I love drawing...but dunno if i love it enough for it to be a passion. Anyway, I guess thats why i always had this innate admiration for people who go for their dreams no matter wat. It just takes a lot of courage and facing lot of shit from others around you and then ofcourse....the fear of not making it. Coz wen you go for your dreams the whole responsibility rests on u and if u dnt make it ur blamed all your life. It quite a tuff decision to make. But then again i once read somwhere, "Dreams are all we have..."

And thats all life really is. No matter how foolish a step may seem...lets say thats all there is worth living for. Though I can't really say anything with too much surity. My mum says ur actions can have consequences that you cant even dream of. So its better to be safe than sorry. But is it better to live your life in regrets over wanting to live it your way?

Can you really dare to go for your dreams despite everything? Can you be hero enough to stand up for yourself let alone for others? Can you cope with the frustration, the pressure and the uncertainty of your decision? People talk about believing in god and having faith in him, i'd say learn to believe in yourself. I think that would be quite enough. But one imporatant aspect of dreaming is that learn to defend it...fight for it and respect your decision. If you respect it, you will go for it with full conviction and nothing and no-one can stand in your way. Ofcourse as always its easier said than done but then who said its easy? :-)

Some excerpts from my favourite songs...........................


When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don't be
afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm, is the golden sky, and the
sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on through the wind, walk on
through the rain, Though your dreams be tossed and blown, Walk on, walk
on with hope in your heart, And you'll never walk alone, you'll never
walk alone. -----------------Frank Sinatra


And you don't. I just read this quotation. Frank Sinatra is actually a singer who though is famous I've never been able to admire much. Just like Elvis Presly. I just can't appreciate him. But these words caught me...somehow I just can't help but wonder how simply he has put together a few words and brought out such a profound meaning. It takes a great amount of courage to smile when things are tough. I've always tried but I'm not able to...despite the fact that I smile alot...its hell of an effort doing it when the world just doesnt seem right. Its not just about smiling and keeping happy face---it actually means that you keep your hopes high even though things don't seem very promising. Your heart should smile too. Thats real courage. Thats strength. If you can do that---I believe you've already met God. If you have this one virtue nothing in this world can break you. In my opinion, virtues like these are defined as God. Because somehow you can't express their enormity. Its quite unexplainable, just like God. There is nothing more noble...nothing more perfect.





"Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be,what you were, what you were to me in memory. But if I listen to the dark,you'll embrace me like a star,envelope me, envelope me...If things get real for me down here,promise to take me to before you went away -if only for a day. If things get real for me down here,promise to take me back to the tune we played before you went away."

This is the opening stanza of the world's most saddest and perfect song. Though I have other all time favourites. But this song touches the soul somehow. Its by Missy Higgins. In my opinion she is one underestimated singer. She is world class. Her voice is smooth, heavy and rich. Her words ring in your ears and they make your heart pound to the pain her songs.
In this song she is mourning her dead lover...who's no more just like a "freeze dried rose". But she says that if she listens very quietly she feels him.

And if I listen to, the sound of white,sometimes I hear your smile, and breath your light...

She can feel him and hear his smile in that silence which she calls "the sound of white". She's pleading with him that if things get moving for her she wants him to take her back to the time when he wasn't dead.

I knelt before some strangers face,I'd never have the courage or belief to trust this place,But I dropped my head, 'cos it felt like lead,And I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair...

Though I'm not very sure about the para...its meaning is gorgeous. She has finally started believing in the "sound of white" and as she listens to it...she feels his fingers through her hair. She feels him close enough to touch. Her pain is eased and she relives him through the sound of white.

Its striking how someone can put so much in a few minutes. Missy Higgins is one extraordinary artiste.





Did I disappoint you or let you down?Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.So I took what's mine by eternal right.Took your soul out into the night.It may be over but it won't stop there,I am here for you if you'd only care.You touched my heart you touched my soul.You changed my life and all my goals.And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.I've kissed your lips and held your head.Shared your dreams and shared your bed.I know you well, I know your smell.I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

This ones by James Blunt. He's a true gem with a weird voice. Hehe..But there's a certain pain in that voice thats reaalllllyy touching. In this song he's probably broken up with his lover and here's his goodbye.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow...

The song is a mixture reassuring himself and yet letting out that pain. He keeps telling her that she can't break his spirits because he's a dreamer. But he adds that with her she takes his dreams away. And the above line "I'm so hollow" brings out his actual agony. Despite his goodbyes...he can't help it. Its just touching.








The cry of the city like a siren's song. Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long. Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky. Must be someone's soul passing by
These are the streets, Where we used to run where your Papa's from, These are the days. Where you become what you become, These are the streets, Where the story's told...The truth unfolds...Darkness settles in
Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength. To carry on, carry on


I don't listen to this one much but its really close to my heart. Whenever I miss dad, I listen to this one. Here it talks about the loved one thats gone, describes the place where he has lived and died. It tells of the place where all the story has taken place. It talks of the man as an ordinary man who tries to do his best. He lives on the edge, always playing with life like a game of chance. But then "Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall. Loose hold your grip off the wall.

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road. Maybe trying to find his way home
He's here but not here. He's gone but not gone.
Just hope he knows if I get lost
Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on....To carry on.--------Robbie Robertson

Its a pray to the dead loved one that just hold me if I get lost as I try to move on without you. Shine your light and lift me up. Give me the strength to carry on. Man, I miss dad. Well I guess I'll have to put it on then huh? :)

close call to death

A few months ago I was reading this book about having time for oneself which inspired me to write a blog entry also (A piece of heaven). It somehow reminded me of a time, now long gone, (and maybe even the intensity has withered away) which still sends shivers if I think too much about it.

I've always had a huge scare for getting my ears pierced. I'd see girls of barely 6 years of age with those small stones studded proudly in their ears and each time ignore the disappointment I felt. Hoops, earings, studs, chandeliers-----wearing earrings was my secret wish. But NO way could I gear up the courage to have anyone punch holes through my skin! People esp. girls would ask me how could I manage not wearing earrings. Frankly as a kid I found no big deal about it but as I grew up and the feminine side of me began to dominate the 'tom boy'...I began to yearn for those beautiful pieces of jewellery---and often found myself longingly staring at the stalls displaying them.

So finally when I turned 15, after much coaxing from friends to go ahead with it and then seeing my mum get her ears pierced at the age of 40!!! I decided what the hell---I could do it...besides everyone says it doesn't hurt that much. Just a few months before my 10th grade farewell party I got it done. It hurt, I won't lie...but I got over it. Yet now that my fancy was done with was when the trouble began. The wound wouldn't heal properly. The farewell went off well---(though I never wore any earrings coz the wound was still fresh)---and things began to settle. I quickly moved on to prepare for my final exams.

It was one morning---only two days before my History Exam---when a fear, I'd never quite experienced before, shot through my veins and burned my insides. I discovered lumps just under my ears. The swellings weren't painful but very discomforting to touch. I could not understand what it was and my family got more tensed than I'd expected them to be. Then they spoke of the big word and I knew it was serious---------tuberculosis.

It was not the one associated with cough and cold, but a special one where a whole chain of fatal swellings erupt under the skin. They suspected it could be something like that...though it wasn't sure. I had had one of my cousins who had it and all I can say is its a very painful treatment and the treatment isn't even sure to cure. I got an appointment with the doctor though it was the following afternoon. From the morning I discovered the lumps something inside me died.

My friends say I laugh alot, even to the point of annoying someone however that day I forgot if I could. I never showed my family I was scared but there was this point inside me that was on the verge of breaking down. I hid it. I carried on through the day with a poor flicker of hope burning under the veil of my 'normal behavior'. I'd tell myself---'It can't be so serious...na...can't happen to me. Nope, I can't believe it. Don't get so tensed silly, you'll be fine.' For the first time ever I experienced cold sweat. So thats how it felt like. So there is something like experiencing cold sweat. The realisations I faced that day astonish me even as I think of it now. Despite my consolations to myself I cannot deny having felt like carrying lead in my stomach the whole day. Smile and laughter did not come to me naturally---I had to bring it out consciously, literally forced myself. They say when you face something even close to death---you see your whole life flash past you. I say the truth when I say, I lived my whole life in those few hours.

The evening was even harder. I shut myself in my room and sat before the mirror--studying my face, which seemed to have lost its usual glow. Do not remember what I did the whole while but I do remember weighing the possibility of getting the disease really. I faced it for the first time in the whole day--and it somehow didn't scare me as much anymore. I even went down to the extent of believing that I might not have so much time to live. Planning out what I wanted to do most and what things were left to be done if---if I didnt make it, I let the feeling sink in. Pause.



Breathe.



I looked straight into the mirror and imagine...I smiled. I could do this. I could face this. I knew I was strong enough to face it. The anxiety faded away but the tears came. They streamed down my cheeks and I didnt bother to wipe them. I sat before the mirror and I cried. I cried the frustration, the unfairness, the sadness away. When I was empty ---there was room for more positive, much braver thoughts. The queasiness was gone though I was still anxious about the appointment next day.

Next day---I had to go through three tests. Got injected three times and the following procedure was skin crawling which I'd rather not explain because the point of this entry is something else. Yet after I left the clinic I cannot explain but I felt lighter than I could possibly imagine---as if I already knew it was nothing serious. A dash of relief had unconsciously stolen through my being making me chirpier and much more able to face whatever was to come.

The tests were negative, there was nothing wrong with me. I had just got an infection from getting my ears pierced and the swellings were just a protective measure of my body to prevent the infection from spreading. They were 'lymph nodes' as the doctor said. And funnily, for my biology exam later--I studied the lymphatic system very thoroughly almost enjoying it!!

Yet on a more serious note. I learnt something in those two, almost excruciating days. Something I will keep reminding myself to remember how lucky I have been. Life is to be valued. I once read in The Granth Sahib and it says: 'You do not know that the breath you've taken in right now will ever come out'.........Those milli seconds is all that your life is about. Humbling isn't it? Laugh, love, work and take time out for yourself. Artists just paint life around them but living can also be an art. Be artists of living.

'Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money and dance like no body's watching.'

We are so engrossed in ourselves that somehow unconsciously we start secluding the aspect of death. It is natural for us to assume that something like this cannot happen to us. An invisible wall of false assurance separates us from reality. It brought me back to my feet, showed me what I had and how thankful I should be for it. It was an experience I will never forget and it will do me good never to forget it too...

Yet all of us are utter asses anyway :) --so proud, so full of ourselves as if the world lies at our feet. Its human nature to take everything for granted. Would do us good to get a bit wiser. Yet on the lighter side...............I did my history exam pretty well. lol....bak to myself again. So much for keeping priorities aside and appreciating life! As I say----utter asses....

Friends...

I've always been blessed with great friends as long as I can remember. Been incredibly close to them...maybe even more than my family. I've found one of the most special people among those and even made enemies out of the very same. However, even found best friends in enemies....and created bonds that will forever last. No matter how far we go, how long we dont stay in touch. I don't understand but with her things are different. She is the comfort of my soul. Don't plan to tell her that! I guess i'm way too shy...or maybe becoz it sounds too overboard. Though I know that only I can understand the conviction in that sentence.

Things weren't always perfect with her to be frank. I hated some things about her...truly hated them. Yet I had somehow accepted that, her flaws...were a part of the person i loved. Now that I look back on all that we shared I see that she did not get along very well with many people. Today when she's gone so far away I see those people leaving miss you messages to her when they were the ones who'd tell me how they hated her. Its so cruel. I dont say that once upon a time I didnt do the same thing. But then, I never knew her like i came to later. Leaving apart all the friends, she was the one who came the closest and even today she remains...like she left a part of her with me. I don't say that I was a true friend to her....i've been selfish...but somehow when it came to her....I wanted to be a true friend to her. She brought out the best in me. She feels like home. and I miss her.

When she left, I quickly moved on with my new friends. Though the beginning was tough but then it eased down. Yet somehow down he lane, my pace slowed down and the friendship we once shared compelled me look back upon it. and today my very soul aches for her. I never knew she was so special to me. What I shared with her...no friend can ever match up to it. I have the most amazing friends but somewhere--she's left her mark. It will remain like a scar all my life. Scars heal but they still remain. Just like she will.

I've realised that when you stick to someone despite their flaws...somewhere they realise it and appreciate it. She wasn't liked much by people mostly due to her nature...I don't know why I never let her go. I guess it was my gut feeling. Then I saw a side to her that made me realise she was my second half. Inspite of our different personalities...our souls went in the same rhythm. We talked about everything. everything means everything. She was a secret keeper. So was I. We shared a bond that lasted despite the distance. I guess this is how love is. Love goes beyond anything. Even death. For the first time, I actually acknowledge this fact. Maybe all that crap in the songs is real? :)

I see my siblings and I see the way they can't understand what I have. I dont know why but I think they don't realise the intensity because they never had such friends? I believe I've been lucky in this case. Well, thats what I think. Everything has a catch to it. Nothing is perfect. So wasnt our friendship. We had the rough egdes no doubt. Yet nothing was strong enough to dominate the goodness of it all.


Now that she's gone, I try so ever hard to move on. To find her in the faces of my other friends. Hoping to see a glimpse of her. The best part is...I see it. In the caring gestures they show---- in the arrogance of one of my friends, in the bursts of anger of another one, the fits of laughter of the other...I see her. and its beautiful. Though it still doesn't come close to the real thing they still help relive what I had. One thing I know that now that I'm so used to having friends that scares me how I'll move on without them. I still havent moved on from her. What about the nice ones I've got now? Hell...sometimes I hate change.

But now I see those very friends growing apart...bit by bit. Even me. I'm losing touch. I'm drifting away becoz its hard to hard to balance scattered friends. Infact I've started letting it be. It does hurt...hurts so much that its hard not to dissolve in tears. Its just that I've grown so tired of being the one who takes charge of putting things right. I love taking resposibility but this time I'm drawing back. Becoz i dont think I have strength in me to pull them back together again. It hurts so much though...

I hope its only rough patch and I'm waiting. But this time I think I'll only wait. The thing which demoralises me most is that I see them drifting away and they don't seem to care. As if it doesnt matter. As if it doesnt hurt. As if friendship means nothing...

I guess I'll have to learn to live alone soon enough...the only thing that comforts me is the memories that I have. The things that taught me alot, defined me as a person and gave me an inner strength to hold on in times like these. Thanks for not letting me break down.

a piece of heaven

Change, i have noticed, is the jist of how things go about in life. Without change, nothing would evolve, frustration creeps in and the very soul begins to stale... I have changed as I've already mentioned and so has my thought process. Ideas, revelations come and go ...exposing me to an altogether new and different reality everytime. There is so much to learn in this world...so much to do that somehow that vastness blurs and we are not even able to comprehend it. A lifetime is too short a time to live. There is so much i want to do sometimes that i dont know where to begin. and then sometimes...i want to be still. wait. stop. breathe.

The pleasure of just being sometimes is one of the most cherishable moments a person can spend. There is a tinge of sweetness to idleness...a dash of peace that melts the soul and steadies it.

I've realised that I have always been trying to prove something to myself...its been a fight against me. Has been and will be. I try to stretch myself to the very limit and then stretch it some more. The satisfaction is unbeatable. Even though it leaves me exhausted, sometimes to the brink of breaking down. It might be wrong in someone else's views...but then i believe that we have not come into this world to preserve our bodies to take them nice and soft to the coffin. Grind, strain, wear your bones out...move those limbs because they're there for the very purpose. And to be honest, nothing feels better than the knowledge that you can do it.

Yet being workaholic doesn't mean you can't pause once in while. The race we keep running against time, demands, our self esteems can be brought to a halt sometimes. This is the very beauty of this race...the choice of taking a break is yours.

I feel that the best part about taking time to just be is that you can think. Mind you, I LOVE to think. That little brain in our heads is one hell of a thing...it has a world of its own. A distinct paradise where once in a while you can dwell and live a life of your own. A place where you and you alone rule. All things go your way, no fear of people judging you. You don't have to go by life's rules, just one place in the world where you can go mad without even letting anyone know. Dreaming, i once read, permits each and everyone of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. Well said! Thats why I just love quotations.

Our mind is another example of the beauties of life. Our little slice of heaven. Cherish it. These are times when I feel, life couldn't get any better than this. Joy is ever where...we just need excuses to find them...and believe me, nothing's more easier.