Life's strange ways

I don't know...stepping into the year 2006 has changed me so drastically that I can't believe its the same me. I know this is going to be one of the most memorable years of my life. I have said this before every single year as i've always learnt something new but this year it has been different. Far more different than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams.

Oddly, this year it feels like I've actually 'lived'. There are so many emotions i have experienced this year that it has changed me. Yet it has also left me feeling complete. I feel I'm whole. As if I've lived a huge part of my life in this very short span of time. Emotions like ecstasy to the deepest of sadness have swept through me and left me moulded to take new form and then moulded again and again. The people i have met and the bonds that i have shared will live inside me for a long time, I'm sure. I feel complete...like i've lived the heights of every emotion. Its so overwhelming it brings tears to my eyes. Yet suddenly I'm in love with this new personality of mine. I look back at my old self and laugh. I was so immature. So full of myself ...so sure about how I wanted to go about my life. Then very subtly I landed in this new stage of my life which has revolutionized my way of thinking and how I view life.

I used to believe that man makes his own destiny. I still do...coz I'm still not convinced about God. Yet I have unconsciously started believing that anything can happen in life. People can be predicted like books but not life. I have started developing that 'certain' faith in something I can't define. I have faith...in what? I still don't know. Maybe I have faith in Life. But not God. Because in life everything falls into place itself. Sooner or later it does. I believe we just overstrain ourselves by worrying about things. Its a sort of an insult to the faith we have. If we really did have faith we wouldn't worry. But like expectations...worries can't be kept at bay.
But one thing i know...it really pays to just let things take their course sometimes. Ofcourse all this is not applicable to everything. You can't just let studies take their course!! However it relieves one of undue tension and thats a real blessing in our already strained lives.

Even I've felt changes in myself this year. I have suddenly become very sensitive and now appreciate emotions. Earlier I was rather indiffrent or rather...cold hearted. And one really important thing i've realised is that NO one in this whole world actually hates mush. It might feel corny at times but still no human can hate mush. He's a hypocrite then. I've also learnt to handle my emotions. I've become a stronger individual who is far more independent than she was before. I've learnt to bear pain...know when its best to keep quiet...and have more firm and practical notions about how to deal with problems in ones life. Though I'm still alot like the person i was before but still have changed.

Another thing is the way I'm not able to cry anymore. I just keep my sorrows to my self and brood and bury myself in them. I write my feelings out in my diary and that's it. I'm numb. I'm not able to shed tears and all I feel in my chest is a strange numbness. I feel depressed and really queer inside. It takes me lot of effort to relieve myself with tears. Its only after weeks of gruelling my self in that emotional turmoil is when that flood overflows from my eyes and i feel as light as a feather. Wish I could cry more often. I guess I've become too used to perpetual pain.

Its strange at what turns life brings you to. I'm at a huge turning point in my life. At sixteen it already feels overwhelming I wonder whats in store for me in the years to come.