"I miss me"

Been so long since i wrote something. I miss writing. Sometimes its not the right time or the right moment, while sometimes its like a flash of thought running thru ur head...but it doesnt measure up enough. Its as if life is running too fast. Much too fast.

There are times when I want to write. Just for the heck of it. Anything. Hell I might just start copying a document in microsoft word. It been so long since I've sat alone and had a talk with myself. Had thought about anything more than what I was going to do next. Or worried about my marks last semester (yea, well i didnt score well this time)...and then move on to worry about the next semester.

I'm personally pretty nervous about next semester though. Fashion Design still doesnt seem to be my calling. Sewing scares the shit out of me. Dunno what's happening. Its like uncertainty just never ends. Its frustrating. Maybe its just cold feet.

But then...a few days back. This strange thing happened. I was sitting in the train, by the window, (believe me, window seats are the best places to think) and a far away memory came and hugged me. It was warm, faintly familiar...and long forgotten. Memory is a villain. It drifts the best of things away from you. And then suddenly one day it walks back in like it never left. Tangible enough to feel...strong enough to live it all over again.

Its been just a year...but he seemed really far away. I don't know why I'm writing this moment down. Its something I should've ignored and not recorded like this. Coz when you write you immortalise experiences. This is something memory can't take away. Writing is our only refuge against time.

And that day he visited me again. It was like old days again. The laughter, the hugs, all that love... I could picture his face so clearly as if i'd met him yesterday. Even that silly smile too! That pasted itself on his face everytime he thought he was being funny. hehe.

The real world blurred for a while and I was reliving forgotten days and feeling all those buried emotions again. He took a huge chunk of me away with him. But I reunited with it again that day. And suddenly I missed feeling like that. I missed who I was back then. After so many months I actually missed loving someone like that.

Whenever a relationship ends...the sorrow isnt as much of the end of what wasnt meant to be anway but of losing something inside you when it ends. That innocence, arrogant ignorance, that undaunting trust, that fervent energy contrasting to the cautious, reserved nature of an experienced soul.

No matter how heart breaking it was a few months ago to leave him, yet today when I relive those memories..I don't miss him. I miss me. I miss who I was. I do laugh at the ignorant idiot that I was...but I do miss that ignorance. Its like the old pining for their youth.

It gives us a lesson to learn. Why don't we open ourselves to the possibility of being 'young' again? Love is surely something that requires no experience, no age...it is a feeling that can only be felt when we let go of our pasts and surrender. When we are just like the 8 year old who loves the girl that sits in front of him in class because she has such pretty pigtails. We can only love if we're young at heart. Like they say..."Love like you've never been hurt..."

Heal. Move on. Surrender.

That is the only meaning of life. To find the courage to love. To understand that love gives you hope...and hope is the only thing that keeps you going.