A few months ago I was reading this book about having time for oneself which inspired me to write a blog entry also (A piece of heaven). It somehow reminded me of a time, now long gone, (and maybe even the intensity has withered away) which still sends shivers if I think too much about it.
I've always had a huge scare for getting my ears pierced. I'd see girls of barely 6 years of age with those small stones studded proudly in their ears and each time ignore the disappointment I felt. Hoops, earings, studs, chandeliers-----wearing earrings was my secret wish. But NO way could I gear up the courage to have anyone punch holes through my skin! People esp. girls would ask me how could I manage not wearing earrings. Frankly as a kid I found no big deal about it but as I grew up and the feminine side of me began to dominate the 'tom boy'...I began to yearn for those beautiful pieces of jewellery---and often found myself longingly staring at the stalls displaying them.
So finally when I turned 15, after much coaxing from friends to go ahead with it and then seeing my mum get her ears pierced at the age of 40!!! I decided what the hell---I could do it...besides everyone says it doesn't hurt that much. Just a few months before my 10th grade farewell party I got it done. It hurt, I won't lie...but I got over it. Yet now that my fancy was done with was when the trouble began. The wound wouldn't heal properly. The farewell went off well---(though I never wore any earrings coz the wound was still fresh)---and things began to settle. I quickly moved on to prepare for my final exams.
It was one morning---only two days before my History Exam---when a fear, I'd never quite experienced before, shot through my veins and burned my insides. I discovered lumps just under my ears. The swellings weren't painful but very discomforting to touch. I could not understand what it was and my family got more tensed than I'd expected them to be. Then they spoke of the big word and I knew it was serious---------tuberculosis.
It was not the one associated with cough and cold, but a special one where a whole chain of fatal swellings erupt under the skin. They suspected it could be something like that...though it wasn't sure. I had had one of my cousins who had it and all I can say is its a very painful treatment and the treatment isn't even sure to cure. I got an appointment with the doctor though it was the following afternoon. From the morning I discovered the lumps something inside me died.
My friends say I laugh alot, even to the point of annoying someone however that day I forgot if I could. I never showed my family I was scared but there was this point inside me that was on the verge of breaking down. I hid it. I carried on through the day with a poor flicker of hope burning under the veil of my 'normal behavior'. I'd tell myself---'It can't be so serious...na...can't happen to me. Nope, I can't believe it. Don't get so tensed silly, you'll be fine.' For the first time ever I experienced cold sweat. So thats how it felt like. So there is something like experiencing cold sweat. The realisations I faced that day astonish me even as I think of it now. Despite my consolations to myself I cannot deny having felt like carrying lead in my stomach the whole day. Smile and laughter did not come to me naturally---I had to bring it out consciously, literally forced myself. They say when you face something even close to death---you see your whole life flash past you. I say the truth when I say, I lived my whole life in those few hours.
The evening was even harder. I shut myself in my room and sat before the mirror--studying my face, which seemed to have lost its usual glow. Do not remember what I did the whole while but I do remember weighing the possibility of getting the disease really. I faced it for the first time in the whole day--and it somehow didn't scare me as much anymore. I even went down to the extent of believing that I might not have so much time to live. Planning out what I wanted to do most and what things were left to be done if---if I didnt make it, I let the feeling sink in. Pause.
Breathe.
I looked straight into the mirror and imagine...I smiled. I could do this. I could face this. I knew I was strong enough to face it. The anxiety faded away but the tears came. They streamed down my cheeks and I didnt bother to wipe them. I sat before the mirror and I cried. I cried the frustration, the unfairness, the sadness away. When I was empty ---there was room for more positive, much braver thoughts. The queasiness was gone though I was still anxious about the appointment next day.
Next day---I had to go through three tests. Got injected three times and the following procedure was skin crawling which I'd rather not explain because the point of this entry is something else. Yet after I left the clinic I cannot explain but I felt lighter than I could possibly imagine---as if I already knew it was nothing serious. A dash of relief had unconsciously stolen through my being making me chirpier and much more able to face whatever was to come.
The tests were negative, there was nothing wrong with me. I had just got an infection from getting my ears pierced and the swellings were just a protective measure of my body to prevent the infection from spreading. They were 'lymph nodes' as the doctor said. And funnily, for my biology exam later--I studied the lymphatic system very thoroughly almost enjoying it!!
Yet on a more serious note. I learnt something in those two, almost excruciating days. Something I will keep reminding myself to remember how lucky I have been. Life is to be valued. I once read in The Granth Sahib and it says: 'You do not know that the breath you've taken in right now will ever come out'.........Those milli seconds is all that your life is about. Humbling isn't it? Laugh, love, work and take time out for yourself. Artists just paint life around them but living can also be an art. Be artists of living.
'Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money and dance like no body's watching.'
We are so engrossed in ourselves that somehow unconsciously we start secluding the aspect of death. It is natural for us to assume that something like this cannot happen to us. An invisible wall of false assurance separates us from reality. It brought me back to my feet, showed me what I had and how thankful I should be for it. It was an experience I will never forget and it will do me good never to forget it too...
Yet all of us are utter asses anyway :) --so proud, so full of ourselves as if the world lies at our feet. Its human nature to take everything for granted. Would do us good to get a bit wiser. Yet on the lighter side...............I did my history exam pretty well. lol....bak to myself again. So much for keeping priorities aside and appreciating life! As I say----utter asses....
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