Friends...

I've always been blessed with great friends as long as I can remember. Been incredibly close to them...maybe even more than my family. I've found one of the most special people among those and even made enemies out of the very same. However, even found best friends in enemies....and created bonds that will forever last. No matter how far we go, how long we dont stay in touch. I don't understand but with her things are different. She is the comfort of my soul. Don't plan to tell her that! I guess i'm way too shy...or maybe becoz it sounds too overboard. Though I know that only I can understand the conviction in that sentence.

Things weren't always perfect with her to be frank. I hated some things about her...truly hated them. Yet I had somehow accepted that, her flaws...were a part of the person i loved. Now that I look back on all that we shared I see that she did not get along very well with many people. Today when she's gone so far away I see those people leaving miss you messages to her when they were the ones who'd tell me how they hated her. Its so cruel. I dont say that once upon a time I didnt do the same thing. But then, I never knew her like i came to later. Leaving apart all the friends, she was the one who came the closest and even today she remains...like she left a part of her with me. I don't say that I was a true friend to her....i've been selfish...but somehow when it came to her....I wanted to be a true friend to her. She brought out the best in me. She feels like home. and I miss her.

When she left, I quickly moved on with my new friends. Though the beginning was tough but then it eased down. Yet somehow down he lane, my pace slowed down and the friendship we once shared compelled me look back upon it. and today my very soul aches for her. I never knew she was so special to me. What I shared with her...no friend can ever match up to it. I have the most amazing friends but somewhere--she's left her mark. It will remain like a scar all my life. Scars heal but they still remain. Just like she will.

I've realised that when you stick to someone despite their flaws...somewhere they realise it and appreciate it. She wasn't liked much by people mostly due to her nature...I don't know why I never let her go. I guess it was my gut feeling. Then I saw a side to her that made me realise she was my second half. Inspite of our different personalities...our souls went in the same rhythm. We talked about everything. everything means everything. She was a secret keeper. So was I. We shared a bond that lasted despite the distance. I guess this is how love is. Love goes beyond anything. Even death. For the first time, I actually acknowledge this fact. Maybe all that crap in the songs is real? :)

I see my siblings and I see the way they can't understand what I have. I dont know why but I think they don't realise the intensity because they never had such friends? I believe I've been lucky in this case. Well, thats what I think. Everything has a catch to it. Nothing is perfect. So wasnt our friendship. We had the rough egdes no doubt. Yet nothing was strong enough to dominate the goodness of it all.


Now that she's gone, I try so ever hard to move on. To find her in the faces of my other friends. Hoping to see a glimpse of her. The best part is...I see it. In the caring gestures they show---- in the arrogance of one of my friends, in the bursts of anger of another one, the fits of laughter of the other...I see her. and its beautiful. Though it still doesn't come close to the real thing they still help relive what I had. One thing I know that now that I'm so used to having friends that scares me how I'll move on without them. I still havent moved on from her. What about the nice ones I've got now? Hell...sometimes I hate change.

But now I see those very friends growing apart...bit by bit. Even me. I'm losing touch. I'm drifting away becoz its hard to hard to balance scattered friends. Infact I've started letting it be. It does hurt...hurts so much that its hard not to dissolve in tears. Its just that I've grown so tired of being the one who takes charge of putting things right. I love taking resposibility but this time I'm drawing back. Becoz i dont think I have strength in me to pull them back together again. It hurts so much though...

I hope its only rough patch and I'm waiting. But this time I think I'll only wait. The thing which demoralises me most is that I see them drifting away and they don't seem to care. As if it doesnt matter. As if it doesnt hurt. As if friendship means nothing...

I guess I'll have to learn to live alone soon enough...the only thing that comforts me is the memories that I have. The things that taught me alot, defined me as a person and gave me an inner strength to hold on in times like these. Thanks for not letting me break down.

a piece of heaven

Change, i have noticed, is the jist of how things go about in life. Without change, nothing would evolve, frustration creeps in and the very soul begins to stale... I have changed as I've already mentioned and so has my thought process. Ideas, revelations come and go ...exposing me to an altogether new and different reality everytime. There is so much to learn in this world...so much to do that somehow that vastness blurs and we are not even able to comprehend it. A lifetime is too short a time to live. There is so much i want to do sometimes that i dont know where to begin. and then sometimes...i want to be still. wait. stop. breathe.

The pleasure of just being sometimes is one of the most cherishable moments a person can spend. There is a tinge of sweetness to idleness...a dash of peace that melts the soul and steadies it.

I've realised that I have always been trying to prove something to myself...its been a fight against me. Has been and will be. I try to stretch myself to the very limit and then stretch it some more. The satisfaction is unbeatable. Even though it leaves me exhausted, sometimes to the brink of breaking down. It might be wrong in someone else's views...but then i believe that we have not come into this world to preserve our bodies to take them nice and soft to the coffin. Grind, strain, wear your bones out...move those limbs because they're there for the very purpose. And to be honest, nothing feels better than the knowledge that you can do it.

Yet being workaholic doesn't mean you can't pause once in while. The race we keep running against time, demands, our self esteems can be brought to a halt sometimes. This is the very beauty of this race...the choice of taking a break is yours.

I feel that the best part about taking time to just be is that you can think. Mind you, I LOVE to think. That little brain in our heads is one hell of a thing...it has a world of its own. A distinct paradise where once in a while you can dwell and live a life of your own. A place where you and you alone rule. All things go your way, no fear of people judging you. You don't have to go by life's rules, just one place in the world where you can go mad without even letting anyone know. Dreaming, i once read, permits each and everyone of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. Well said! Thats why I just love quotations.

Our mind is another example of the beauties of life. Our little slice of heaven. Cherish it. These are times when I feel, life couldn't get any better than this. Joy is ever where...we just need excuses to find them...and believe me, nothing's more easier.

Life's strange ways

I don't know...stepping into the year 2006 has changed me so drastically that I can't believe its the same me. I know this is going to be one of the most memorable years of my life. I have said this before every single year as i've always learnt something new but this year it has been different. Far more different than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams.

Oddly, this year it feels like I've actually 'lived'. There are so many emotions i have experienced this year that it has changed me. Yet it has also left me feeling complete. I feel I'm whole. As if I've lived a huge part of my life in this very short span of time. Emotions like ecstasy to the deepest of sadness have swept through me and left me moulded to take new form and then moulded again and again. The people i have met and the bonds that i have shared will live inside me for a long time, I'm sure. I feel complete...like i've lived the heights of every emotion. Its so overwhelming it brings tears to my eyes. Yet suddenly I'm in love with this new personality of mine. I look back at my old self and laugh. I was so immature. So full of myself ...so sure about how I wanted to go about my life. Then very subtly I landed in this new stage of my life which has revolutionized my way of thinking and how I view life.

I used to believe that man makes his own destiny. I still do...coz I'm still not convinced about God. Yet I have unconsciously started believing that anything can happen in life. People can be predicted like books but not life. I have started developing that 'certain' faith in something I can't define. I have faith...in what? I still don't know. Maybe I have faith in Life. But not God. Because in life everything falls into place itself. Sooner or later it does. I believe we just overstrain ourselves by worrying about things. Its a sort of an insult to the faith we have. If we really did have faith we wouldn't worry. But like expectations...worries can't be kept at bay.
But one thing i know...it really pays to just let things take their course sometimes. Ofcourse all this is not applicable to everything. You can't just let studies take their course!! However it relieves one of undue tension and thats a real blessing in our already strained lives.

Even I've felt changes in myself this year. I have suddenly become very sensitive and now appreciate emotions. Earlier I was rather indiffrent or rather...cold hearted. And one really important thing i've realised is that NO one in this whole world actually hates mush. It might feel corny at times but still no human can hate mush. He's a hypocrite then. I've also learnt to handle my emotions. I've become a stronger individual who is far more independent than she was before. I've learnt to bear pain...know when its best to keep quiet...and have more firm and practical notions about how to deal with problems in ones life. Though I'm still alot like the person i was before but still have changed.

Another thing is the way I'm not able to cry anymore. I just keep my sorrows to my self and brood and bury myself in them. I write my feelings out in my diary and that's it. I'm numb. I'm not able to shed tears and all I feel in my chest is a strange numbness. I feel depressed and really queer inside. It takes me lot of effort to relieve myself with tears. Its only after weeks of gruelling my self in that emotional turmoil is when that flood overflows from my eyes and i feel as light as a feather. Wish I could cry more often. I guess I've become too used to perpetual pain.

Its strange at what turns life brings you to. I'm at a huge turning point in my life. At sixteen it already feels overwhelming I wonder whats in store for me in the years to come.

Teenage controversies

People normally say one should live life to the fullest..is it not? Yet the biggest fault lies in the sentence itself. It actually depends on how a person thinks one should live life. Everyone has an individual definition to their idea of living life fully. Its strange but how are you supposed to live life? How can another person tell you to live life when he is not in your shoes...not shouldering the responsibilities you have towards your relationships or yourself.

Life itself has such huge aspects to it...its so vast. How can anyone bring themself to define how one should live life. You just can't get enough of it. For some people 'living the moment' might be just hanging out with people you love. But when you have a huge assignment due next day staring at you from your schedule planner then what are you supposed to do? Does that mean you should ignore it and 'live' life?

I believe such ideological quotations are not valid for the present world. It is not possible to live life when there are responsibilities. Take love for example. If we fall in love which teenagers usually do....then is it right for us to go with our instincts or let our conscience hold us back? Aren't we supposed to live life properly and enjoy it? well this is how we believe in enjoying it! now what? This is the time when we are told to hold back our hormonal urges and concentrate on our careers. 'There is a right time for everything....you are not emotionally mature right now' This is the usual explanation one gets. Then are we supposed to let such things influence us and we really should wait for that certain 'right time' to come? what if it never comes?? Why are we not allowed to make mistakes...and learn from them? Why do parents have to keep holding us back? when we fall in love and when we get heart broken its life's way of teaching us lessons that we shall not forget ever. This is what life's all about right? Learning from our mistakes? or is it about pulling back and letting those precious emotions die inside us without ever blooming....so that we never get to savour those innocent moments of puppy love? When do we really get to 'live' life?

Such things then sometimes begin to seem so hollow.