I Am

I am the one you hate... you love.

 I am not politically correct.

I AM.

I am the green you don’t want...but u need it anyway.

I am the freak who’s heady... who’s  arrogant.

The orange you despise but I intrigue you anyway.

 The pink that chokes you but catches your eye.

The yellow that blinds you but warms your soul.

I am the one you hate. But you want me anyway.

I am the rainbow in your hidden dreams.

The golden pot that you can’t reach.

Are you afraid?

I think so.

Why else would you hate me?

Do you want me?

I think so.

Why else would you notice me?

I am the bird in your dreams.

Who sores higher beyond your reach.

I remind you of your infiniteness...

Of how great can you be.

Yet I scare you still.

I know.

That is why you need me.

A walk to remember

I don’t quite remember exactly how it started but I do have a vague idea. I’ll try; Dad was diagnosed with diabetes but at a very initial stage. So in order to control his blood sugar he began a daily ritual to go for walks.

Though he tried different routes he majorly went to a neighbourhood park adjoining an orphanage for girls. The house was attached to the park as if it was its very own lawn. I’d accompany him most of the time since I’d have nothing much to do than watch more and more TV (Yea, there was once a blessed time when all worries seem to end at homework). I do remember getting a little envious whenever I’d see them playing around together all evening. It’s quite ironical somehow since now that I think of it; I was after all having a walk with my own father...it never occurred to me that they might just have reasons to envy me.

Anyway, thus began my habit of always accompanying him for his evening walks. Well, most of the time. I do remember I missed quite a few of them. Dad might never have realised it...but I think they are the only times I actually remember having bonded with him. Infact they were more than just father-daughter quality time...they somehow shaped me into becoming a loner at heart. They are the reason why today I love going for walks. Preferably alone. I’m not a regular but they are my only refuge. And somehow I always remember dad when I’m out for a walk. They sort of connect me to him.

It’s pretty sentimental. Hehe.

Even when I’m in delhi...after a bad day or neck breaking stress I just drag a friend along and go out for a stroll. (Haven’t yet been able to gather up the courage to go for a walk alone in delhi till now. Its just freaky...you know the hype about unsafe metro cities)In fact, going for a nice, long walk with your dear is the idea of a perfect date for me! Hehehe. Candlelight dinners are just too cliché. People talk about busting stress and doing this and that...I wonder...what is better than a walk? What is better than just being yourself for a while? Its like having a heart to heart chat with yourself. ..or maybe a picnic for that matter.

Parks have always been my favourite haunts. My friends think that’s highly boring so I’m left alone to hang out there (don’t really mind though). But no matter what...that park near the orphanage is always going to remain my favourite one even though it’s nothing much to look at. Just a huge stretch of grass, maintained sloppily and a family of sleeping dogs scattered here and there. It gave me a lot of ideas for my design classes though. So I’m kinda indebted. I still remember using the image of a mumma dog and her puppies fighting for some milk for a population control poster! Sir really liked the idea.

Nature just somehow steadies me. It’s like sweet music stealing through your body warming you a bit over here and a bit there... Not a believer of astrology but the earth is the element of a virgo. I’m a virgo. Maybe there’s a connection. But I like water too you know. Swimming is one of my favourite activities. So can’t say.

I went for a walk alone after so long today. Kept hanging around for two hours with earphones jammed into my ears, an overcoat warming me and a book stuffed in the pocket. I just kept going round and round, skipping a bit in between, singing under my breath and I tell you I was lost. Heart and soul. People must’ve thought I was crazy. But the overcoat is pretty good to look at...it might have signalled at my civilized origin, so I think it saved my repo. I got inspired by a few more things to use in the next semester of college. It’s just so amazing how much natures gives back to you if one only pays a little more attention. It’s a freaky world out there I tell you. Nature is crazy. But it’s the most beautiful crazy thing you will ever come across.

Anyone who reads this entry; I personally insist that you should try going for a walk sometimes if you don’t already, that is. I’m not saying it because I have personal memories involved...it’s just too good an experience to miss.I’ll see if I’ll go back to that park anytime soon...haven’t gone back there since we moved. Lets see.

Angel.

This bug in my head...

Was just wondering if its ever possible to find sumone who never leaves? I gess in the end all u r left with is urself. all for themselves. A human being is born to be lonely then. In reality he never has company. Maybe he is just too scared to accept the fact. or maybe because its just too hard to stay alone.

of all the promises people give each other i think it is one of the biggest lies wen they say they'll be there always. and then the phrase... 'no matter what'. promises should never be made. i dont understand how people can speak with such conviction when they don't know their next second. how can they be selfish enough to raise someone's expectations when they are not in control of their own life?
I think it is one of the biggest challenges of life to learn to live with yourself. Dunno why people find it so unbearable to live with themselves at times. Even when it is ourselves that we love the most in the end...but still. Dont have the answer to this question somehow. Dont know how to justify this to myself.

Perspective

How much can a person endure? Is life really all about enduring? Of taking shit and just keep taking it until you attain 'nirvana'?

I gess salvation is a kinder word given to 'good riddance'. Life itself is a huge pack of situations you have to deal with. Situations that you have to endure. And the stupid part is no one comes out alive. We try so hard...for what? For fulfilling a purpose which can easily be compared to a dream. A dream thats way too much like reality. I Wonder what's reality then? Is it...endurance?
I think birth and death are the easiest parts of life. Dunno...tell that to the people who die horriblw, slow deaths. Hmm...I'll take that back then. I gess birth is the easiest bit then. Maybe because we don't remember if it hurt when we were born. It ust have. I find no sense in a child bawling otherwise. So...voila. From birth to death, nothings easy. So then life's a pretty tough piece of shit ain't it?

All these words like 'hope', 'faith', 'joy' seem like some kind of medical kit each of us carries throughout our lives. Like first aids. So we can keep bandaging ourselves with them whenever it hurts. Its pretty funny in a way if you look at it. Humans have such amazing ways to fool themselves, its commendable. We have an all protecting saviour (God) to take us out of complicated problems that mostly are a result of our own stupidity. Then we have 'hope', 'trust', 'courage', 'faith'...the tool kits to help us trudge through life.

Its quite amazing. I don't know about God but a human in itself is a pretty smart bit of genius walking the earth. It has quite commendable ways of tricking itself into illusions. Like ways to survive a terribly rough patch. It is human nature to glorify, to exaggerate. I don't know if we actually have it in us to face the simplicity, the 'normalness' of life. To actually see the truth. It is inherent in us to complicate, to create so called 'values', 'cultures', 'taboos'. We live in these cocoons beyond which we dare not look. For if they break...they will break us too. Infact, I don't think these cocoons ever break. They are wound up so tight. Not until the last breath, they don't. And so we carry on...trugding...Humans have this admirable tendency to keep on going. Thumbs up to us for that.

A few more....

These are some of my favourite quotes from the wisdom section


Sometimes the more you think, the more there is no real answer.
Winnie the Pooh

If there's one thing you can say about mankind, there's nothing kind about man.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.
Stephen King

I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death.

There is an art of listening. To be able really to listen, one should abandon or put aside all prejudices, preformulations and daily activities . . . But unfortunately most of us listen through a screen of resistance. We are screened with prejudices, whether religious or spiritual, psychological or scientific; or with our daily worries, desires and fears. And with these for a screen, we listen. Therefore, we listen really to our own noise, our own sound, not to what is being said. It is extremely difficult to put aside our training, our prejudices, our inclination, our resistance, and, reaching beyond the verbal expression, to listen so that we understand instantaneously.
J. Krishnamurti, The First and Last Freedom

We never realize the power of a single human being until one comes along and conquers our heart
Unknown

"People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
Albert Einstein---------cool

Everyone sees what you seem, but few know what you are.
Machiavelli

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within, it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Nelson Mandela-------cool

"What's wrong with thinking?""There's nothing wrong with thinking," Spitty began. "So long as you don't think too much. See, that's your problem, Stein. You dwell. It's not healthy. Sometimes you just gotta let things go, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop trying to figure out the why and the how and the what does it all mean. Because we all die in the end anyway. Some people stick their heads in the oven. Other people just kneel over in the middle of dinner. But no one gets out alive. And that's the sorry truth. And that's why you gotta enjoy yourself now. Because that's all you basically get in life - a few superior kegs, a few worthwhile hangovers, a few nights when other crap fades into the background and it's just you and the moment and the moment is righteous."
What She Saw by Lucinda Rosenfeld

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Mark Twain-----cool

Man is a God in ruins.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

A smile while giving honest criticism can make the difference between resentment and reform. Philip Steinmetz

My favourites

Just adore these quotes.

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that? ------- the pursuit of happyness


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-----eternal sunshine of the spotless mind



have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free. ---- the shawshank redemption


I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. ---- the shawshank redemption



My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." ---- forrest gump


I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both. ---- forrest gump

In Love...

Back aching, im all dizzy, haven't eaten anything, want another few hours of sleep, havent had time for myself in days...but yet all I knoe is I'm in love.

All these hours of no sleep count for nothing...all the cribbing, the frustration, the work load...they count for absolutely nothing. When I'm standing in front of a piece of art I've made, I know I'm in love. In love with myself. In love with my life. In love with the decisions I took and finally what I got from it.

Its not exactly roses...but the satisfaction...the selfpeace. It beats everything. This ecstasy is maddening. As I write this I'm asting precious minutes of work but it doesn't matter. This bout of emotions need to be recorded. This moment of happiness is an event worth remembering later. I'm in love.

The irony is I could rite now either die under the pressure of this work load or could just die with the happiness of knowing that I'm doin what Ilike. NIFT is intoxicating. It leaves you free to be what you want to be. It feels like home. You can let your imagination run wild..and the better you get with it the better its appreciated. I experiment so much with myself...exploring has become a passion. The library has become my refuge. Everything else stands meaningless now. I now live for me. And I love every single minute of it....hopefully we have a happy marriage together.

This is where I lose

He sits on top of the world...
A shining piece of glory,
people swarm around him,
heavens shower blessings.
Crimson envy watches from
the sidelines.
He is his own design.

A man of honour,
beauty shames to place itself
beside him. Precious diamond,
he shines...
He is his own design.

An example to millions,
a wonder to all,
a better idol was never born.
Magic shimmers through his being;
the angel from heaven that everyone's
seeing.

His silver pendant hides a quiet secret:
The key to another beating heart.
It tells a story from the start, of tears,
sighs and two smitten larks, of quiet meetings
in the dark, of love struck down by
fate's darts.

The shimmers hide the inner dark,
the glory veils the broken heart.
The laughter lines hide embedded
frowns, the scars concealed with
countless crowns.

Awestruck sighs pave his path...
he shines.
A man of unique design.
"You win it all!", A voice calls.
His heart groans in mourning
for a love gone to the noose:
"No, my man, you know it not,
this is where I lose."
-Angel

Phoenix ashes

"Every small gust of wind only heightened the cool feel of tears streaming down her cheeks. Her hair danced wildly around her face. The wind whistled and howled; determined to drown down her sobs. She did not fight. Her skinny frame just stood there submissively, swaying gently in the brewing storm, inviting the winds to take her with it…

All the energy in her body seemed to concentrate on the one small handkerchief that her fingers clutched tightly. Yet it seemed her very soul repelled the fact that she be holding on to that spotless white cloth so dearly…like she had breached a forbidden territory.

She stared down from the edge of the cliff where she stood. Depth plummeted down to a vast emptiness below her…spreading like a sea of black nothingness. She felt strangely cocooned as she stared down at the space below. The feeling of being so minute comforted her inner turmoil. Hers was just another sorrow in this enormous existence. She was just another wretched soul. The insignificance diminished the magnitude of her hurt ego…

Her skirt flapped wildly around her legs while the empty black sea below her tempted her viciously. If she would just embrace it…the nothingness would gulp down yet another pain and like a sea, remain the same as before. It was incredible how darkly luring it was to never feel again…

She edged closer to take a better look…persuading her entire being to step into a trance which would ease the trembling. She allowed the tears to blur the darkness spread out before her and turning it into a confused haze of cloudy, murky and quivering mass…
She let the bag hanging down her shoulder fall to the ground. Her feet slipped out of her shoes and embedded themselves in the cool sand swarming her toes.

Her sobs returned with fresh gusto; reverberating in the noisy wind…making known the agony of her heart. She stretched out her arms in front of her, trying to take support of an invisible wall around her. She found none. There was nothing present there to hold up her shaking knees…except her own feet. As if a jolt shot down her spine she shuddred and for a second, hesitated. The comfort of the void below her seemed to grow faint. Yet she closed her eyes determinedly dragging her toes to the end of the edge where no further ground reassured her. This was the end.

Her arms still stretched out before her and by now she was crying openly…hoarsely; shuddering with the effort of her sobs. Her eyes remained tightly shut and she clutched the handkerchief tighter. Debris on the edge rolled down from her feet. Her face contorted in deep agony. Images flashed past in her mind fumbling to hold ground...but it was like swift slides coming and going...befuddling her sense of thought. The wind had gained momentum and seemed to push her further and further. Just one set further and she would find her peace. Her definition of 'peace' disturbed her and she struggled to ignore it. The conflict slowly wore out her resolve and she let out a low, deep moan. The images vanished. Her body tensed and then relaxed. She jerked her eyes open and with one swift motion threw the handkerchief into the wind.

It flew haphazardly in the fierce winds like a wounded bird being tossed helplessly. She watched it with a strange detachment...as if she never owned it. Her body remained still as it acknowledged the warmth steeling through it among the cold, wild currents of the air. Then with another gust of wind it shot off forward and merged into the descended grey clouds.

Staring one last time at the darkness below her, she unconsciously rejected its illusionary comfort and reflexively ground her feet firmly in the earth. The uninviting darkness below her repulsed her immediately. Staring down at it one last time in cool disdain she turned around, picked up her bag, slipped into her shoes and walked away."
-------------------

The mythological bird, phoenix, is said to take rebirth from its ashes. Symbolically, the bird stands for resurrection or rebirth. I relate it to coming back from devastation. It could be death or coming out of an intense crisis. The above piece that I wrote represents a phoenix taking rebirth from its own devastation, the ashes. Similarly the girl lets go of the handkerchief, which is symbolic of what her troubles are, to start afresh. She comes out of her depression which has caused her to go to the extent of suicide but in the end realises that this option is an illusionary comfort and not worth giving your life away for. Thus she emerges from a major crisis. The phoenix ashes stand for courage and that is exactly why I named this short story so. In the end there is no one to support your "shaking knees" than your "own feet". Its your life. Its your fight. Its your problem. You either win or you lose.

Of breathtaking revelations and rapture...

There is something very pure about devotion. Complete submission...total surrender. Gurbani holds the unmistakable essence of humility...of what should really be considered true love. We glorify love too much. We magnify the simplicity...we complicate it with vows and thus in turn put limitations to the free feeling of love. Love should liberate us, not turn us into slaves of meaningless commitment. Love, in reality, should nourish you. It should teach you virtues of patience, kindness, selflessness and of course as said before humility. When there is true love there is no plural but singular. Individuality fuses to become one strong form of perfection...since both the individuals merge together with the best of their qualities. It is highly hypothetical but that doesnt mean its not correct. Love is perfection. That is why God is synonymous to love. Since God is perfection. If one wishes to come close to that perfection i believe one should learn to love...and that too, to love with total surrender. I was amazed to learn that each word in The Granth is engraved with humility. There is such complete submission that it touches something inside you. You begin to wonder if it can be possible or whether it is something supernatural.

There is no 'I'. No ego. You can only sit back in awe and tears in your eyes. If such a thing can exist...surely this world must be a beautiful blessed place and this law or force of nature or god must really be something worthy of respect. This is immortalised happiness. I guess today I have somewhat understood what it must mean to attain salvation. Contrary to what I have always believed, there really is a 'higher joy'.

Yet now i understand that this 'higher joy' doesnt come from hours of meditation but with the fact that you work your ass off to do justice to your own potential. That you explore youself inside out and lie down in ur bed at the end of the day knowing that you did this world loads of good by doing good to youself. Finding God is not being selfless. It is infact selfish. Since it is for you. For your happiness. So in being thoroughly selfish for your complete growth as an individual i think you end up doing something for everybody. You end up being a great contributor through your very selfishness. So in a way...true selfishness is also a great virtue. And whats best...you grow closer to God. Through your faith in yourself...through your journey of self exploration you realise there is no limit to what you can achieve and i think this is exactly what humbles you. You actually realise how limitless you are. I think this is where enlightenment occurs. True ecstasy. This is God.

Inspiration from 'The Fountain Head'

Its a wonderful way to think this way. Having never to worry about anything but yourself. Being indifferent to the world around you. Their thoughts dont affect you...they are like rays striking against glass; reflecting back as soon as they dare to touch you with their heat. So that you become like a granite, solid and strong, who lives only for themself. How great it would be...never having to sacrifice anything for anyone. Never having to live with illusions that you killed your desires for the sake of some "higher happiness". That you killed your soul with selflessness. How great it would be to hold up your ideals...your integrity in the face of a hypocritical world and cast your undaunting resolve in its teeth. How great it would be to have courage like that. How great it would be to be Howard Roark.

Quiet freedom

I just sometimes wonder...if a few minutes from now, my life comes to an end. Would i have regrets? Do I still have something that i want to do? The very thought of dying would scare me to death normally...not that am afraid of the very act of death...its secondary to the fear of not being able to live. I love being me. Though am not perfect. But still there is this innate desire to go further and further on. Anyway, as i was saying...would I still have any regrets? Any work left undone? No. For the first time in my life.....am pretty calm about it. It seems very stupid somehow...m sounding like some saint.

I guess the only remorse im going to have is not being able to live more and not actually getting to study in NIFT delhi..hehe. But if it would come to things being left undone...I can find nothing major as such. Its pretty weird...and depressingly aimless. Yet. It is also calming. There is this strange peace which steals through me everytime I think of this question nowadays. It reassures me, comforts me...you've done all you could have. You gave it your best...you got the results. You lived fully and now you don't have regrets. Frankly, its intoxicating. This pure primal power that you hold over fear is a glimpse of a refreshing freedom. And then you live. You live with a comfortable numbness. Steadiness. It polishes you through and through. Smoothens out the rough edges, gives an unconscious grace to the way you carry yourself and the way you go through your days. Its an unconscious dignity and new confidence. There is a renewed will to live better still. To enjoy what we have and to be grateful for it.

And I love it. Every minute of it. Being aimless was never more appealing... :)

The Shawshank Redemption

Andy Dufresne: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?

Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.

Andy Dufresne: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.

Red: Forget?

Andy Dufresne: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.

Red: What're you talking about?

Andy Dufresne: Hope.

Quoting 'Juno'

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are...good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, hansome, what have you, the right person is still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. Thats the kind of person worth sticking with."--------well said, junebugs dad.

thought

Its how u feel...its how you cum back from the feelings of devastaion. its a rebirth. but rebirths can be so painful, its hard to take in. there is hurt beyond words, and secrets that only you can know. who can u tell? when u feel that everybody is just ready with a judgement...an opinion? no one to listen. thats how it goes. and thats how it hurts too much. its a constant struggle to keep urself sane. to live. depite wat people think. it doesnt matter if it is not politically correct. its just that u shud have no regrets. be scared of the one day in ur life wen u wake up old and withered...wondering...crying silents tears as every breath u take comes with agonising effort...how wud life hav been if i had just lived it my way? if i had just been me...?

do not be scared of following ur self. sacrifices r noble...but everything comes with disadvantages. being reasonable has its perils too. there is no one way of living life...the one single written path of walking down the same old politically correct trail.

"walk on walk on....with hope in ur heart. and ul never walk alone."

believe in urself and love like uv never been hurt. work hard, love much. create new dimensions to ur life. widen perspectives. there is more to love than one can imagine. more aspects to it than one can fathom. i do not know how much selfish i was...how many hearts i hurt. but in me there r secrets to an unknown ecstasy. the knowledge that for once in my life...i had the courage to be me.

Courage

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."-------- 'To Kill A Mocking Bird' by Harper Lee


A tremendous quotation that i found few days back. Dunno why but I'm highly impressed with it. Very much caught up in the meaning and profoundity of the statement. Its this sort of courage that i really admire in people. A certain sort of abashment. Ruthlessness. Not too much but i like it in small amounts. Its kinda attractive and its a great indicator of somebody's passion for something. I mean you always get ruthless when you're desperate to attain or protect something. There is a hint of ferocity which might even be harmful to others who come in the way and people might even call it crazy to like someone as dangerous as that but dunno its this strange sort of fascination. Maybe becoz never in my life have i ever had a passion for something. Its one of my major weaknesses you can say. The only thing i can count as coming close to my passion is drawing. I love drawing...but dunno if i love it enough for it to be a passion. Anyway, I guess thats why i always had this innate admiration for people who go for their dreams no matter wat. It just takes a lot of courage and facing lot of shit from others around you and then ofcourse....the fear of not making it. Coz wen you go for your dreams the whole responsibility rests on u and if u dnt make it ur blamed all your life. It quite a tuff decision to make. But then again i once read somwhere, "Dreams are all we have..."

And thats all life really is. No matter how foolish a step may seem...lets say thats all there is worth living for. Though I can't really say anything with too much surity. My mum says ur actions can have consequences that you cant even dream of. So its better to be safe than sorry. But is it better to live your life in regrets over wanting to live it your way?

Can you really dare to go for your dreams despite everything? Can you be hero enough to stand up for yourself let alone for others? Can you cope with the frustration, the pressure and the uncertainty of your decision? People talk about believing in god and having faith in him, i'd say learn to believe in yourself. I think that would be quite enough. But one imporatant aspect of dreaming is that learn to defend it...fight for it and respect your decision. If you respect it, you will go for it with full conviction and nothing and no-one can stand in your way. Ofcourse as always its easier said than done but then who said its easy? :-)

Some excerpts from my favourite songs...........................


When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don't be
afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm, is the golden sky, and the
sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on through the wind, walk on
through the rain, Though your dreams be tossed and blown, Walk on, walk
on with hope in your heart, And you'll never walk alone, you'll never
walk alone. -----------------Frank Sinatra


And you don't. I just read this quotation. Frank Sinatra is actually a singer who though is famous I've never been able to admire much. Just like Elvis Presly. I just can't appreciate him. But these words caught me...somehow I just can't help but wonder how simply he has put together a few words and brought out such a profound meaning. It takes a great amount of courage to smile when things are tough. I've always tried but I'm not able to...despite the fact that I smile alot...its hell of an effort doing it when the world just doesnt seem right. Its not just about smiling and keeping happy face---it actually means that you keep your hopes high even though things don't seem very promising. Your heart should smile too. Thats real courage. Thats strength. If you can do that---I believe you've already met God. If you have this one virtue nothing in this world can break you. In my opinion, virtues like these are defined as God. Because somehow you can't express their enormity. Its quite unexplainable, just like God. There is nothing more noble...nothing more perfect.





"Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be,what you were, what you were to me in memory. But if I listen to the dark,you'll embrace me like a star,envelope me, envelope me...If things get real for me down here,promise to take me to before you went away -if only for a day. If things get real for me down here,promise to take me back to the tune we played before you went away."

This is the opening stanza of the world's most saddest and perfect song. Though I have other all time favourites. But this song touches the soul somehow. Its by Missy Higgins. In my opinion she is one underestimated singer. She is world class. Her voice is smooth, heavy and rich. Her words ring in your ears and they make your heart pound to the pain her songs.
In this song she is mourning her dead lover...who's no more just like a "freeze dried rose". But she says that if she listens very quietly she feels him.

And if I listen to, the sound of white,sometimes I hear your smile, and breath your light...

She can feel him and hear his smile in that silence which she calls "the sound of white". She's pleading with him that if things get moving for her she wants him to take her back to the time when he wasn't dead.

I knelt before some strangers face,I'd never have the courage or belief to trust this place,But I dropped my head, 'cos it felt like lead,And I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair...

Though I'm not very sure about the para...its meaning is gorgeous. She has finally started believing in the "sound of white" and as she listens to it...she feels his fingers through her hair. She feels him close enough to touch. Her pain is eased and she relives him through the sound of white.

Its striking how someone can put so much in a few minutes. Missy Higgins is one extraordinary artiste.





Did I disappoint you or let you down?Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.So I took what's mine by eternal right.Took your soul out into the night.It may be over but it won't stop there,I am here for you if you'd only care.You touched my heart you touched my soul.You changed my life and all my goals.And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.I've kissed your lips and held your head.Shared your dreams and shared your bed.I know you well, I know your smell.I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

This ones by James Blunt. He's a true gem with a weird voice. Hehe..But there's a certain pain in that voice thats reaalllllyy touching. In this song he's probably broken up with his lover and here's his goodbye.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow...

The song is a mixture reassuring himself and yet letting out that pain. He keeps telling her that she can't break his spirits because he's a dreamer. But he adds that with her she takes his dreams away. And the above line "I'm so hollow" brings out his actual agony. Despite his goodbyes...he can't help it. Its just touching.








The cry of the city like a siren's song. Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long. Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky. Must be someone's soul passing by
These are the streets, Where we used to run where your Papa's from, These are the days. Where you become what you become, These are the streets, Where the story's told...The truth unfolds...Darkness settles in
Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength. To carry on, carry on


I don't listen to this one much but its really close to my heart. Whenever I miss dad, I listen to this one. Here it talks about the loved one thats gone, describes the place where he has lived and died. It tells of the place where all the story has taken place. It talks of the man as an ordinary man who tries to do his best. He lives on the edge, always playing with life like a game of chance. But then "Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall. Loose hold your grip off the wall.

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road. Maybe trying to find his way home
He's here but not here. He's gone but not gone.
Just hope he knows if I get lost
Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on....To carry on.--------Robbie Robertson

Its a pray to the dead loved one that just hold me if I get lost as I try to move on without you. Shine your light and lift me up. Give me the strength to carry on. Man, I miss dad. Well I guess I'll have to put it on then huh? :)

close call to death

A few months ago I was reading this book about having time for oneself which inspired me to write a blog entry also (A piece of heaven). It somehow reminded me of a time, now long gone, (and maybe even the intensity has withered away) which still sends shivers if I think too much about it.

I've always had a huge scare for getting my ears pierced. I'd see girls of barely 6 years of age with those small stones studded proudly in their ears and each time ignore the disappointment I felt. Hoops, earings, studs, chandeliers-----wearing earrings was my secret wish. But NO way could I gear up the courage to have anyone punch holes through my skin! People esp. girls would ask me how could I manage not wearing earrings. Frankly as a kid I found no big deal about it but as I grew up and the feminine side of me began to dominate the 'tom boy'...I began to yearn for those beautiful pieces of jewellery---and often found myself longingly staring at the stalls displaying them.

So finally when I turned 15, after much coaxing from friends to go ahead with it and then seeing my mum get her ears pierced at the age of 40!!! I decided what the hell---I could do it...besides everyone says it doesn't hurt that much. Just a few months before my 10th grade farewell party I got it done. It hurt, I won't lie...but I got over it. Yet now that my fancy was done with was when the trouble began. The wound wouldn't heal properly. The farewell went off well---(though I never wore any earrings coz the wound was still fresh)---and things began to settle. I quickly moved on to prepare for my final exams.

It was one morning---only two days before my History Exam---when a fear, I'd never quite experienced before, shot through my veins and burned my insides. I discovered lumps just under my ears. The swellings weren't painful but very discomforting to touch. I could not understand what it was and my family got more tensed than I'd expected them to be. Then they spoke of the big word and I knew it was serious---------tuberculosis.

It was not the one associated with cough and cold, but a special one where a whole chain of fatal swellings erupt under the skin. They suspected it could be something like that...though it wasn't sure. I had had one of my cousins who had it and all I can say is its a very painful treatment and the treatment isn't even sure to cure. I got an appointment with the doctor though it was the following afternoon. From the morning I discovered the lumps something inside me died.

My friends say I laugh alot, even to the point of annoying someone however that day I forgot if I could. I never showed my family I was scared but there was this point inside me that was on the verge of breaking down. I hid it. I carried on through the day with a poor flicker of hope burning under the veil of my 'normal behavior'. I'd tell myself---'It can't be so serious...na...can't happen to me. Nope, I can't believe it. Don't get so tensed silly, you'll be fine.' For the first time ever I experienced cold sweat. So thats how it felt like. So there is something like experiencing cold sweat. The realisations I faced that day astonish me even as I think of it now. Despite my consolations to myself I cannot deny having felt like carrying lead in my stomach the whole day. Smile and laughter did not come to me naturally---I had to bring it out consciously, literally forced myself. They say when you face something even close to death---you see your whole life flash past you. I say the truth when I say, I lived my whole life in those few hours.

The evening was even harder. I shut myself in my room and sat before the mirror--studying my face, which seemed to have lost its usual glow. Do not remember what I did the whole while but I do remember weighing the possibility of getting the disease really. I faced it for the first time in the whole day--and it somehow didn't scare me as much anymore. I even went down to the extent of believing that I might not have so much time to live. Planning out what I wanted to do most and what things were left to be done if---if I didnt make it, I let the feeling sink in. Pause.



Breathe.



I looked straight into the mirror and imagine...I smiled. I could do this. I could face this. I knew I was strong enough to face it. The anxiety faded away but the tears came. They streamed down my cheeks and I didnt bother to wipe them. I sat before the mirror and I cried. I cried the frustration, the unfairness, the sadness away. When I was empty ---there was room for more positive, much braver thoughts. The queasiness was gone though I was still anxious about the appointment next day.

Next day---I had to go through three tests. Got injected three times and the following procedure was skin crawling which I'd rather not explain because the point of this entry is something else. Yet after I left the clinic I cannot explain but I felt lighter than I could possibly imagine---as if I already knew it was nothing serious. A dash of relief had unconsciously stolen through my being making me chirpier and much more able to face whatever was to come.

The tests were negative, there was nothing wrong with me. I had just got an infection from getting my ears pierced and the swellings were just a protective measure of my body to prevent the infection from spreading. They were 'lymph nodes' as the doctor said. And funnily, for my biology exam later--I studied the lymphatic system very thoroughly almost enjoying it!!

Yet on a more serious note. I learnt something in those two, almost excruciating days. Something I will keep reminding myself to remember how lucky I have been. Life is to be valued. I once read in The Granth Sahib and it says: 'You do not know that the breath you've taken in right now will ever come out'.........Those milli seconds is all that your life is about. Humbling isn't it? Laugh, love, work and take time out for yourself. Artists just paint life around them but living can also be an art. Be artists of living.

'Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money and dance like no body's watching.'

We are so engrossed in ourselves that somehow unconsciously we start secluding the aspect of death. It is natural for us to assume that something like this cannot happen to us. An invisible wall of false assurance separates us from reality. It brought me back to my feet, showed me what I had and how thankful I should be for it. It was an experience I will never forget and it will do me good never to forget it too...

Yet all of us are utter asses anyway :) --so proud, so full of ourselves as if the world lies at our feet. Its human nature to take everything for granted. Would do us good to get a bit wiser. Yet on the lighter side...............I did my history exam pretty well. lol....bak to myself again. So much for keeping priorities aside and appreciating life! As I say----utter asses....

Friends...

I've always been blessed with great friends as long as I can remember. Been incredibly close to them...maybe even more than my family. I've found one of the most special people among those and even made enemies out of the very same. However, even found best friends in enemies....and created bonds that will forever last. No matter how far we go, how long we dont stay in touch. I don't understand but with her things are different. She is the comfort of my soul. Don't plan to tell her that! I guess i'm way too shy...or maybe becoz it sounds too overboard. Though I know that only I can understand the conviction in that sentence.

Things weren't always perfect with her to be frank. I hated some things about her...truly hated them. Yet I had somehow accepted that, her flaws...were a part of the person i loved. Now that I look back on all that we shared I see that she did not get along very well with many people. Today when she's gone so far away I see those people leaving miss you messages to her when they were the ones who'd tell me how they hated her. Its so cruel. I dont say that once upon a time I didnt do the same thing. But then, I never knew her like i came to later. Leaving apart all the friends, she was the one who came the closest and even today she remains...like she left a part of her with me. I don't say that I was a true friend to her....i've been selfish...but somehow when it came to her....I wanted to be a true friend to her. She brought out the best in me. She feels like home. and I miss her.

When she left, I quickly moved on with my new friends. Though the beginning was tough but then it eased down. Yet somehow down he lane, my pace slowed down and the friendship we once shared compelled me look back upon it. and today my very soul aches for her. I never knew she was so special to me. What I shared with her...no friend can ever match up to it. I have the most amazing friends but somewhere--she's left her mark. It will remain like a scar all my life. Scars heal but they still remain. Just like she will.

I've realised that when you stick to someone despite their flaws...somewhere they realise it and appreciate it. She wasn't liked much by people mostly due to her nature...I don't know why I never let her go. I guess it was my gut feeling. Then I saw a side to her that made me realise she was my second half. Inspite of our different personalities...our souls went in the same rhythm. We talked about everything. everything means everything. She was a secret keeper. So was I. We shared a bond that lasted despite the distance. I guess this is how love is. Love goes beyond anything. Even death. For the first time, I actually acknowledge this fact. Maybe all that crap in the songs is real? :)

I see my siblings and I see the way they can't understand what I have. I dont know why but I think they don't realise the intensity because they never had such friends? I believe I've been lucky in this case. Well, thats what I think. Everything has a catch to it. Nothing is perfect. So wasnt our friendship. We had the rough egdes no doubt. Yet nothing was strong enough to dominate the goodness of it all.


Now that she's gone, I try so ever hard to move on. To find her in the faces of my other friends. Hoping to see a glimpse of her. The best part is...I see it. In the caring gestures they show---- in the arrogance of one of my friends, in the bursts of anger of another one, the fits of laughter of the other...I see her. and its beautiful. Though it still doesn't come close to the real thing they still help relive what I had. One thing I know that now that I'm so used to having friends that scares me how I'll move on without them. I still havent moved on from her. What about the nice ones I've got now? Hell...sometimes I hate change.

But now I see those very friends growing apart...bit by bit. Even me. I'm losing touch. I'm drifting away becoz its hard to hard to balance scattered friends. Infact I've started letting it be. It does hurt...hurts so much that its hard not to dissolve in tears. Its just that I've grown so tired of being the one who takes charge of putting things right. I love taking resposibility but this time I'm drawing back. Becoz i dont think I have strength in me to pull them back together again. It hurts so much though...

I hope its only rough patch and I'm waiting. But this time I think I'll only wait. The thing which demoralises me most is that I see them drifting away and they don't seem to care. As if it doesnt matter. As if it doesnt hurt. As if friendship means nothing...

I guess I'll have to learn to live alone soon enough...the only thing that comforts me is the memories that I have. The things that taught me alot, defined me as a person and gave me an inner strength to hold on in times like these. Thanks for not letting me break down.

a piece of heaven

Change, i have noticed, is the jist of how things go about in life. Without change, nothing would evolve, frustration creeps in and the very soul begins to stale... I have changed as I've already mentioned and so has my thought process. Ideas, revelations come and go ...exposing me to an altogether new and different reality everytime. There is so much to learn in this world...so much to do that somehow that vastness blurs and we are not even able to comprehend it. A lifetime is too short a time to live. There is so much i want to do sometimes that i dont know where to begin. and then sometimes...i want to be still. wait. stop. breathe.

The pleasure of just being sometimes is one of the most cherishable moments a person can spend. There is a tinge of sweetness to idleness...a dash of peace that melts the soul and steadies it.

I've realised that I have always been trying to prove something to myself...its been a fight against me. Has been and will be. I try to stretch myself to the very limit and then stretch it some more. The satisfaction is unbeatable. Even though it leaves me exhausted, sometimes to the brink of breaking down. It might be wrong in someone else's views...but then i believe that we have not come into this world to preserve our bodies to take them nice and soft to the coffin. Grind, strain, wear your bones out...move those limbs because they're there for the very purpose. And to be honest, nothing feels better than the knowledge that you can do it.

Yet being workaholic doesn't mean you can't pause once in while. The race we keep running against time, demands, our self esteems can be brought to a halt sometimes. This is the very beauty of this race...the choice of taking a break is yours.

I feel that the best part about taking time to just be is that you can think. Mind you, I LOVE to think. That little brain in our heads is one hell of a thing...it has a world of its own. A distinct paradise where once in a while you can dwell and live a life of your own. A place where you and you alone rule. All things go your way, no fear of people judging you. You don't have to go by life's rules, just one place in the world where you can go mad without even letting anyone know. Dreaming, i once read, permits each and everyone of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. Well said! Thats why I just love quotations.

Our mind is another example of the beauties of life. Our little slice of heaven. Cherish it. These are times when I feel, life couldn't get any better than this. Joy is ever where...we just need excuses to find them...and believe me, nothing's more easier.